Professionalism and precision were both on display today in Professor Yulman’s Religious Ethics class when students arrived armed with their lengthy midterm research essays. While most were well thought out, revised and neatly bound together in those ugly little portfolios that you used for lab reports in AP Chemistry, one student caused a commotion in the back corner of the room as Professor Yulman collected the assignment. Unable to find a way to keep all of his pages together on his own damn time, junior and complete mess Erich Arjas turned to classmates in an effort to see if anyone had a stapler on them.
“Hey, uh no reason in particular, but I was just wondering if maybe you decided to throw a stapler in your enormous purse this morning before leaving your house,” inquired Arjas, fumbling what looked like an entire ream of copy paper out of his two-pocket Mead folder. “You know, just the essentials: keys, wallet, stapler! Haha. What about a paper clip? Or one of those little black things with the metal prongs? Please!” he continued, helplessly gesturing to his neighbor while simultaneously turning into one large paper cut.
“Why in the world would anyone bring a stapler with them to class? Strozier practically begs you to use their stapler after printing,” gasped junior classmate and philosophy major Brianna Chodosh, who had taken her paper to Target Copy for professional binding. “You’d think during the ten minutes it took for the printer to cough out his huge, overpriced stack his mind would have at least entertained the thought of stapling it all together. He’s a junior, he can’t keep acting like this is his first semester. We all write papers, and we all know there isn’t a single working stapler within five hundred feet of Bellamy,” she explained, spitting her gum into Arjas’ hand to offer an unsanitary adhesive with questionable functionality for the pages.
Arjas’ lack of appliances doesn’t stop at staplers; be sure to find his posts on FSU Class of 2019 asking if someone in his apartment complex has a can opener he can borrow so he doesn’t starve to death. Students have even reported seeing him filling up several jugs at FSU filtered water stations because he is incapable of just buying his own damn Brita filter, or even asking around during a thunderstorm if someone happens to have an extra umbrella on them, you know, just in case.