It was just another Tuesday afternoon when brothers Jack and Adam from Florida State’s shortest and angriest fraternity kicked back on a semen-stained couch at their frat house. While drinking protein shakes and reflecting on how they managed to do curls at the squat rack for a full forty minutes, tragedy struck. After Adam stood up to use the restroom and Jack took this opportunity to go take a leak off the balcony, they returned to their crusty shared seat and finished their shakes only to realize they’d accidentally sipped from the other’s shaker cup.
“It was horrifying. I haven’t felt regret like that since Jack gave me a ride to campus on his scooter and I accidentally brushed his waist with one of my hands for half a second,” said Adam, who was once “encouraged” to drink a half-liter of Jack’s pee during the pledging process that had an ABV higher than your average IPA. “It was an honest mistake and it was all for the gains, but I at least wish I could have said ‘no homo’ beforehand.”
Jack was a bit more level-headed about the situation. “Gay stuff happens all the time in this frat, it’s just a matter of intent. Yeah, Adam’s saliva may never truly exit my bloodstream, but in a bro way, that’s kind of cute,” Jack explained, in a rare moment of sentimental emotion. “My saliva isn’t even the worst of my bodily fluids he’s ingested before. He DRANK my PISS last year, and I had only eaten asparagus and drank coffee for 36 hours straight. Anyway, yeah, I’m not too upset about it. Spit and let spit, ya know?”
Word has yet to make it around the fraternity of Jack and Adam’s newfound connection, but precedent implies that it shouldn’t be too much of an issue. “This fraternity was founded on three things: protein powder, bro time and sacrificing our freedom to the ghosts of the WASP family that haunts the property our house was built on. It’s disgraceful that anyone would expect any sort of reprimanding for odd behavior, as long as the brothers involved have concluded the pledging process and have paid at least four digits in dues,” said fraternity president Drew Johnson. He pulled out the fraternity’s handbook and cleared his throat. “We’re proud to haze without regard to race, ethnic origin, religion, gender or sexual orientation, even though I think most of those are pretty redundant when considering our fraternity’s demographics.”