After receiving confirmation from the head of Seminole Athletics and Head Coach Leonard Hamilton himself, FSU professor Jeffrey Roland has officially been promoted from his position as AMH 3310 instructor to starting point guard for the Seminole basketball team. This promotion comes after testimony from both his students and his TA claiming that Dr. Roland uncapped a dry-erase marker and, after confirming its dryness with an unsuccessful swipe on the whiteboard, capped the pen and tossed it into a trash can that was nearly thirty feet away in one smooth motion.
“I didn’t even know that I was being scouted,” said Dr. Roland, who says his only basketball experience comes from watching “Air Bud” and once being pressured into filling in for an intramural team at the Leach. “I’m really nervous about trying to keep up with the steady pace that our men’s team has been going at this season, but as soon as I saw Coach Hamilton walk into my office hours to offer me the start gig, I felt reassured. It’s not like anyone can drain that shot. Yeah, I’m gonna be great. I can feel it!”
Although CJ Walker is disappointed to be relegated to the bench, he understands that Coach Ham’s decision is made with the best interest of the team in mind. “I honestly thought things had been going well for me this year. I’m averaging nearly ten points a game and I’m shooting well from the free throw line. But when Coach called me into his office earlier today, I knew what was coming,” said Walker, as he opened up another fresh pack of Expo markers to toss into a hoop-shaped wastebasket, only to miss the can and be forced to pick the markers up off the floor. “I’ve been studying Roland’s moves to better understand what I’m doing wrong, but what it comes down to is that sometimes we just can’t all be ballers like Roland.”
Coach Hamilton is much less conflicted about the decision. “CJ’s been solid for us this year, but I know greatness when I see it. This kid is going places!” exclaimed Hamilton, as he played three history podcasts at the same time to get a better understanding of some references he can throw into some time-out pep talks when the game is on the line. “I’m just hoping he gets tenure so we’ll have him for twenty, thirty years.” Roland is expected to make his basketball debut tonight against Georgia Tech at 7 pm.