Following FSU’s shocking win over No. 1 seed Xavier on Sunday night in the NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament, the Seminoles find themselves advancing to the Sweet 16 for the first time since 2011. The ninth-ranked Florida State’s comeback win is yet another example of underdog teams upsetting top seeds in a volatile March Madness season and ruining the brackets of everyone you know. In fact, it seems like the only salvageable bracket in the Tallahassee area belongs to local classmate and self-proclaimed bracketology guru Jimmy, who put FSU in the Sweet 16 in just one of his 19 brackets he filled out minutes before the tournament started.
“C’mon, where’s your school pride? I’d never give up on my university, at least not since I drank away the memories of our football season and the hundreds of Garnet Bucks I placed on my other 18 losing brackets,” said Jimmy, adding that this is further proof Nate Silver is “full of shit” and his freshman year statistics professor really should have given him a passing grade. “I’m only 15 correct guesses away from sports nerd glory and getting my dad to love me again. This is just the self-righteous rush I needed since I last jumped into some pick-up games at the Leach basketball courts and was 1/9 on half-court shots. Make way for this HARSH madness, fellas! I ball on paper, too!”
Jimmy’s friends have already grown pretty exhausted about his braggadocious behavior and newfound confidence in what he thinks counts as athletic ability. “This is almost as bad as when he had us fill out a four-way bracket for the College Football Playoff, and wouldn’t let us stop hearing about it after he went one-for-three,” said Joseph Rodriguez, one of Jimmy’s classmates and, for some reason, friend. “This isn’t even the bracket he entered into our five dollars FSU Cash buy-in pool. He's still acting like he’s the one who’s gonna win and blow his winnings on a Juul at the bookstore, anyways.”
Although Jimmy may know deep down that his bracketology success is likely short-lived, his lifestyle changes since his launch into pseudo-fame are showing no sign of slowing down. “I was so excited celebrating FSU’s win Sunday night that I almost made it to three beers, and even though I’m still hungover, I don’t wanna jinx us by slowing down. Now that we’re in the Sweet 16, our path to victory is clear. Unlike those cowards at UMBC, I’m on this bandwagon for the long haul!”