After a fortunate win at the hands of someone other than Jimbo Fisher this weekend, the FSU football team has begun its search for Florida State’s Next Top Football Coach. With interim coach and all-around cuddlebear Odell Haggins standing in until an official hire has been made, the options for who could potentially replace Jimbo range wider and farther than any missed field goal that ass-hat Ricky Aguayo has ever kicked. To help the administration decide, here’s The Eggplant’s suggested list of possible Jimbo replacements, since Haggins loves us enough to stay, but not quite enough to be responsible for all of the idiocy that takes place at the hands of the FSU football players (except you, Deondre. We would die for you. Have you gotten our voicemails?)
1. Jim McElwain
HAHA PSYCH! GOTEM! Ahhh...anyways. Let’s get on with it.
2. Willie Taggart
Currently the most legitimate candidate for the job, the current Oregon coach is rumored to smell like Christmas trees and might just be PINE-ing to return to his home state of Florida. But realistically, who (besides runaway mosquitoes) has ever wanted that? Seems sus!
3. Kevin Sumlin
We’re not above tradesies! Texas A&M’s head coach might just be able to strike up a deal with Jimbo to trade real estate before it’s too late.
4. Serena William’s Infant Child
Despite being a little baby, Williams’ daughter, Alexia, was born with winning juice in her blood. Her bones are made of Wimbledon gold, and her sippy cup would make the perfect home for diluted Powerade. Also, her middle name is Olympia, which doesn’t benefit FSU but is extremely cool and I love her.
5. Sentient Slice of Beef Jerky
This would probably be the closest we could come to having the real Jimbo again. Bababooey.
6. An Amazonian Rainstorm
Nothing like a big, powerful storm to scare our football players into doing the football gaming well. While it might put a damper on game days, this head coach pick would certainly spook our opponents into forfeiting, which may result in an undefeated season.
7. Your Dad
A great pick because he has experience from coaching little league football when you were six, which is where most of your insecurities began to take root...on second thought, keep him out of this.
8. One of the contestants from the “Jeopardy!” Tournament of Champions
Buzzy, Austin and Alan would all be viable contenders for this head coaching gig. However, convincing them may be hard seeing as how they’re all big brained geniuses with combined total winnings equalling, like, a fuckin’ lot of money. It’s probably safe to say that finding a job isn’t a top priority.