Science Cage Match! This Year’s March Madness Winner Will Decide if Earth is Flat

After NBA All-Stars battled it out last night in a contest of East versus West, they brought out their pencils, graphing calculators and cameras to go back and forth over a topic which transcends sport: the shape of the planet Earth. After the Cavaliers’ Kyrie Irving mentioned his belief that “groups of people” were, “lying to us” about the spherical nature of Earth in a radio interview, likely around the same time a flight from East Asia landed on the West Coast of the US, NBA Commissioner Adam Silver defended his belief and somehow avoided bringing up any reference to peer-reviewed research. Now, with the situation devolving as more and more NBA players choose a side, or lack thereof, so to speak, the league office has made a final determination for everyone: The winner of this year’s March Madness tournament will decide the NBA’s official stance on the shape of the Earth, as well as the abstract nature of fact.

“I’m really hoping we can make it all the way,” said FSU freshman Jonathan Isaac, looking up from his latest copy of The Astrophysical Journal and pensively cleaning his glasses. “The only reason I got into basketball was to teach people about the importance of the scientific method, evidence and logic. It gives me so much pride to dunk a basketball when I consider that it might be just a tiny version of the planet on which we play our little game. My dream is to accept a jersey from the commissioner in the first round of the draft, and then to accept basic facts about the fundamentals of the reality in which I live.”

Crestfallen about the new announcement are the players on the Boston College team, coached by Jim Christian, who are not likely to make the tournament this year, and thus will not be able to fight for their Flat-Earth beliefs come March. “The guys are all devastated,” said Christian in a pre-match interview for their game tonight at FSU. “Especially Johncarlos Reyes - that kid only accepted our scholarship after we convinced him BC firmly stood by the notion that an enormous ice sheet encompasses the flat disc of the Earth, and that NASA agents guard that ice sheet 24/7 to prevent people from jumping into space. We also assured him he wouldn’t have to take astronomy, geology or any other hard science that might present a contrary view. That’s what b-ball is all about.”

As a result of this controversy, FSU star Dwayne Bacon has turned into a celebrity on the nerd-ass, Dirac-studying-ass, the-only-hope-for-our-nation’s-future-ass side of the stadium as well. Bacon was seen rushing out of the Carothers building, math emitting from his person like a calculation meme, and running to his next class in the physics department. Bacon was apparently then seen spinning in-and-around pedestrians blocking his way, jumping from the parking lot to the platform of the physics building and finally dunking his homework into the waiting hands of his excited astrogeology professor. Bacon then turned to look at a camera that was never there and said, “Kids, science is COOL!”