America is in a dark place these days. For the second time in four months, the louder, more obnoxious, douchier and Northeasternmost of two contenders came seemingly out of nowhere to achieve victory in a classic American contest. And as sad as it is, no matter how few people actually like them, the New England Patriots have won the Super Bowl. Don’t give up all hope, though; through an obscure, but totally implementable legal loophole, there is a way that Matt Ryan and the Atlanta Falcons can walk away with the W.
“Few people know this, but in the NFL, the score doesn’t actually matter,” reported Barnie Saunders, football lawyer and totally not Vermont Senator hired by the Falcons to arbitrate on their behalf. “The real victory is decided by a body of selected delegates whose number is equal to the number of points scored by each team during a given game, 41 days later. The more points your team scores, the more delegates your team can select to vote for you to win.” After explaining the finer logistics of the completely necessary, fairness-defending and not outdated system, Saunders gave Americans a look at the possible window that can earn a victory for team that doesn’t win the popular vote. If the delegates selected by the team with more points decide that the team that gave them this ultimate power is unfit to hold the Lombardi Trophy, they can decide to vote their collective conscience and award it to the opponent.
Atlanta fans, along with people who just hate the Patriots and can’t see why anyone sensible would ever like them, are outraged that the game seemed so obviously theirs. New England’s biggest fan, Tom Brady, however, thinks that they are just being crybabies.
“We won the game fair and square. We won by a landslide in overtime, and we would have won in regulation if it weren’t for all the illegal goals scored by the Falcons. Julio Jones is not even from this country! I demand to see his birth certificate. All of these people saying that the Pats suck, they’re FAKE NEWS!” Exclaimed Brady, changing Donald Trump’s contact name in his phone to ‘Papa John’s.’ “Anyway, I haven’t paid much attention to everyone’s reactions to the game. I’m just a positive person.” Brady then continued siphoning air out of several footballs with his mouth, saying that it gives him a “good head rush.”
“If you, as a red-blooded, football-loving American think that the Atlanta Falcons would be more fit to reign as champions, you’re not alone,” reminded Saunders. “The delegates need to listen to more than just the poor white people hyped for the Patriots and know that the Falcons are clearly more qualified to represent our nation’s oldest institution: prioritizing heteronormative masculinity over mental and physical health.”