Role Model Alert! Jameis Winston Throws up Demon Beelzebub in Front of School Children

Last Thursday, when many aging undergraduate students could take ease knowing they no longer had to worry about their school's reputation being tarnished by an immature, yet nationally renowned quarterback, there was a disturbance in the Force. Jameis Winston, professional football player and part-time crab thief, spoke in front of a fifth-grade class. After saying a series of sexist remarks that no one condoned but many expected, he decided to throw up a living, breathing demon by the name of Beelzebub.

“His speech started off kind of predictable with a hurrah-for-sports vibe and then transitioned into evidence of the systemic problem young girls have to face every day,” said the school principal Nancy Thompson while looking for her county-sanctioned exorcist kit. “It's been a while since the county has put any funds into defense training in case a spawn of Satan makes their way into school property, but I think I'll have things under wraps as long as he doesn't vomit out any other critters.”

Young women have to face belittling comments like the ones presented by Winston their whole lives, an additional obstacle in a world full of similarly sexist obstacles. Women, and the whole human race, also have to live in fear of materialized nightmares invading our mortal realm to spread their sensationalist apocalypse unto our very soil. In the case of Winston and Beelzebub, Lord of the Flies and False Gods, women will, of course, surpass the words and supernatural plagues presented, but damn wouldn’t it be easier if they didn’t have to deal with that bullshit in the first place?

“Having been present during Mr. Winston’s comments in front of my class, I have to say that I do not accept how he excreted an incarnation of sin as a defense mechanism after being criticized for his unforgivable rhetoric,” said Cindy, a fifth-grader whose educational experience was interrupted by outdated stereotypes and a large horned creature reciting hexes in an inhuman language. “I found it absolutely horrendous that in the year 2017, someone granted the privilege to speak in front of future generations would say such vitriol, while at the same time setting free one of the seven princes of Hell.”

The Eggplant FSU