On Tuesday morning, Tallahassee got to witness a beautiful natural phenomenon. The rarely-observed FSU basketball fan was observed wandering about aimlessly in Lucky’s Market, confounded by his new surroundings. Most FSU basketball fans felt sleepy after a quick tournament exit in 2012, and were nourished by the tears and pain of Auburn Football fans in 2013, leading to a steady hibernation period that seems to be ending just today.
“The average FSU basketball fan is easily frightened and usually tries to avoid predators,” said FSU anthropology professor Dr. Glow Snatchard from his office in the newly renovated Anthro department, which is in the bathroom of Poor Pauls. “Addicted to success from their interaction with the football team, only consistent wins can arouse such courage in the beast, that one might confront their foes in person.”
When emboldened in such a way, studies have indicated FSU basketball fans quickly conduct superficial research of the season so far before tweeting things like, “NBA GMs are all complete idiots if Isaac isn’t a lottery pick,” or alternatively, “I just want to fit in. If I bring up Dwayne Bacon will people talk to me?”
“Yeah, no we, uh, we super appreciate all the support the past few days,” said Coach Leonard Hamilton, grimacing and shooting pure passive aggression from his eyes. “Would we have loved some of this support any of the past four years? Yes. Am I gonna hold it against students just showing face now? Only if the football team holds it against them for bailing from Louisville loss up until Michigan.”