Dad Who Visited for Parents’ Weekend Won’t Stop Claiming FSU Won Because He Was There

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For one weekend every year, parents flock to Tallahassee for the opportunity to be bamboozled into buying their children groceries they strategically waited to buy and believing their kid’s life is as glamorous as their Facebook page makes it out to be. Spending hundreds of dollars to sit in traffic before awkwardly perusing the local Walmart might not sound like the most enjoyable vacation; however, for Jack Burns, the father of sophomore Bowden Burns, it was the best Saturday of his life.

“The football team had a losing streak because I wasn’t there to cheer them on. They just needed to feel the Burns,” joked Bowden’s dad as he proudly took a large gulp of one of the BOGO lunch-boxes he bought for his underage son at Potbelly’s during their post-game celebration. “Back in my day, we didn’t have to worry about losing since I went to every game. I made sure to tell everyone walking by about single-handedly saving Jimbo’s coaching career today. They might as well make me coach!”

“Even though I’m named after the greatest coach in the history of college football, this is the first time I’ve even been to a football game,” confessed Bowden as he slid a copy of “Fooling Your Parents Into Thinking You Like Football For Dummies” and an array of photoshopped pictures with him at football games into his backpack. “I just wanted to have fun at the game while simultaneously not understanding a single thing going on. This is almost as embarrassing as the time he said he was lucky for snagging us free dinner at Outback Steakhouse after he complained three separate times about the undercooked steak he purposely ordered.”

With Parents’ Weekend finally coming to a close, Bowden’s dad is eager to bring up the same story literally every time he sees his son. He also hopes to receive a key to the city, an assistant coaching position and recognition from ESPN for doing nothing but sitting in club seating and yelling “what, what” during the fight song.