Miami Takes a Knee Right Before End Zone in Peaceful Protest Against Bad Football

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In the wake of the FSU-Miami game, controversy swirls around number 81 Darrell Langham’s peaceful protest. His kneel, taken right before Miami’s end zone with mere seconds to the game’s end, was mistakenly thought to be an attempt at a touchdown. Many think this is just another example of players’ thoughts and feelings, hopes and dreams being exploited by the supposed authorities.

“You know, there’s a lot of shit that goes on in the world of college football,” Langham lamented, blinking back stupid, game-winning tears. “There are lots of unjust rulings on our fields, games that shouldn't have been won. I figured it was time to take a knee for what I believed in…right before the end zone. We didn't deserve to win that game. We knew it, the ‘Noles knew it. Everybody except the refs knew it. Seven years straight we’ve lost to FSU. Getting to have my ass handed to me in Doak, like all the guys in the years before me, was something that really drew me to the team. Now I’m being treated like some sort of hero. It’s not what I expected at all.”

“I don’t care what my players think is the ‘right thing to do’ or whatever,” fumed long time booster Ugly Bird Mascot Junior. “I DID NOT spend my family’s hard earned money on matching friendship bracelets for the team for those ungrateful kids to think for a damn second that they’re allowed to have any thoughts outside of ‘Score points for Daddy Football.’ I guess they just don’t respect the game anymore, that’s what it’s really all about! He must just hate touchdowns and sportsmanship.”

Visiting Miami Hurricanes’ “fans” Nate Saffir and Irma Simpson didn’t feel as strongly. “I just think that what Longman—or whatever his name is—did was really cool,” Simpson said, knocking down every powerline she passed and punching a sleeping elderly squirrel in the nuts. “So what if he thinks FSU should have won? Maybe they should have. Everyone knows the refs are corrupt. They think they’re so cool with their microphones and hand signals, they never even listen to anybody but themselves. I feel like the refs should flag themselves for being problematic. Wake up. It’s 2017.”

No matter what everyone’s opinion is on the right to a peaceful, late-game protest, people on all sides can agree on one thing: fuck UM.

Image Source: Miami Herald

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