Gator Football Team Ready to Embrace New Label of “Delaware State of the South”
In preparation for Florida’s looming matchup against FSU on Saturday that could potentially secure their first losing season since 1976 2013, Gator athletes and students alike are preparing to embrace a new comparison they can brag about on campus tours and in Reddit comment sections. Coming off a 77-6 pasting of the Delaware State Wasps or Fruit Flies or Mosquitoes or whatever, a Seminole victory over the Gators paired with a football record inferior to that of Harvard will legally change the University of Florida football team’s slogan to the “Delaware State of the South.”
“I’ve honestly been a longtime admirer of Delaware State’s aggressive playing style. I was actually gonna play there, but then I learned that I’d have to live somewhere in Delaware, which I understand is a state. So I left the charming, worm-gruntin’ county of Wakulla for this cesspool of humanity,” said Gator quarterback Feleipe Franks as he declined yet another request from James Blackman to 1v1 him on Madden 17. “I actually tried to slip into the head coaching job here when McElwain got canned a few weeks ago to bring us back to the greatness of DSU’s 2007 team that ran away with the MEAC championship. So all I’m saying is that helping us build a more realistic identity wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world. Maybe next year!”
While the football team may be ready to accept the new label, the UF student body is less excited. “DSU? Nah man, we’re still Harvard kids at heart. Gainesville is a lot like Cambridge; we use semicolons to prove how smart we are, there’s a lot of young people and we’re home to some incredibly innovative minds,” said a UF sophomore who declined to be named as he opened two bottles of Sam Adams with his eye sockets while his two buddies, both named Kevin, egged him on. “Who cares about football anyway? There’s no telling who’s gonna win this game, so I might as well start blacking out now. Plus, having a good football team won’t help you get a job at my dad’s wastewater treatment consulting firm!”
Even UF interim head coach Randy Shannon isn’t too excited about the Gators’ prospects this weekend. “Honestly man, I’m not even supposed to be here right now,” said Shannon, as he hopelessly quadruple texted Tim Tebow to remind him about that one time he said he’d “owe Randy a big favor” after that “series of incidents” in Chattanooga. “Chip Kelly’s gonna be hired after this game anyway, so I don’t really care. I’d rather watch my ‘Canes than sit through this snorefest, but as long as we lose by less than 71, then I’m happy. Anyway, I heard Nyqwan Murray is having his birthday lunch at Reggae Shack on West University at noon, do y’all wanna go to that instead?”
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