UF Quarterback Knocks Ice Cream Cone out of Little Kid’s Hand


With stress building as the game against Florida State approaches, the University of Florida football team has been acting out in ways even more maniacal than before. Though it seemed like nothing could top their antics earlier this year when UF players were suspended for using stolen credit card information at the University of Florida bookstore, quarterback Feleipe Franks proved there is no limit to how far a UF student will go to see others suffer when he knocked the ice cream cone out of a child’s hand on his way to practice on Monday

“Um,” sniffled Susie Lou Who, “I just don’t know why he did that. I offered him a lick of my Superman ice cream and he said he would never eat ‘vanilla ice cream disguised as a flavor’ ’ and slapped it on the ground,” she said as her precious six-year-old tears added to the rainbow ice cream puddle soaking into the concrete stadium seats. “My mommy bought that ice cweam for me because I got a gold star on my spelling test, and she says that will help me get into UF when I grow up. But that man reminds me of our class bully, Jim Jebow, so I don’t think I wanna go there anymore.”

“Hear me out. I would never, ever smack an ice cream cone out of a little girl’s hand,” said Franks, wearing a crusty, old snake skin and a helmet. “At least not without scientific science and reasoning. It is all about STEM for us students at the University of the State of Florida. A lot of us on the football team are majoring in gravitational analysis here at the Florida Institute of Technology. We’re all really into studying why the balls I throw land on the ground a lot, and why they don’t go between the yellow sticks when we throw them with our feet. It’s just hard because we share our lab with the veterinary school, so there’s always dogs barking and I can’t focus because it makes my brain hurty.”

President (this guy) Fuchs of the As-Pretentious-As-Harvard of the South later appeared on the Jimbo’sgonnagiveittoyou-tron to address the ice cream rumors and crying, fearful children. “As the president of a university which prides itself in academic excellence both in and out of uniform, I must condemn any unethical experimentation conducted by my players. However,” Fuchs said, while gator chomping a fruit platter from an attendant’s hands, “I cannot condemn, nor discourage their intellectual, STEM oriented curiosity. Literally anything that gets them to care more about football is worth trying at this point.”

The Eggplant FSU