Cornhole! The Southern Man’s Chess

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With the arrival of one of the biggest football games of the season, both Canes and Noles alike are anticipating an exciting day full of heatstroke, overpaying for parking and traumatizing children in the neighboring tents. Despite the palpable rivalry, both sides will be united by a timeless pre-game tradition enjoyed solely while day-drunk and covered in their own vom. That’s right baby, it’s cornhole! Tossing brightly colored bean sacks into each others holes, it’s a game simple enough for even Miami fans to play. Boasting a rich history that dates back to the civil war, the southern man’s chess evolved from Kentucky Farmers arcing corn cobs into the trash and is now adored all across the south.

“If you think about it, cornhole is equal to chess in terms of wit and strategy,” mansplains shirtless 55-year-old Burt Shelton, pausing to grip his beer too tightly as he silently oggles at a group of barely legal girls walking by. “Yeah I didn’t want them to stop anyway. Females are too emotional of beings, they simply don’t have the capacity to understand or appreciate the intricacies of this dynamic game. But I play bags everyday and I watch Rick & Morty, so I’ve mastered using my big man brain to win,” he detailed, as a drunk toddler in a Noles cheerleading onesie scored 5 points in one turn with her subordinate hand.

“Realistically, if we had any kind of actual skill or hand-eye coordination, we would be tossing around a football, or you know, playing chess,” shares cornhole Grandmaster and President of FSU’s Southern Glory Cornhole Chapter, Carter Lee Winton IV. “My grandpa always tried to get me into chess, but I just couldn’t remember the moves of all the little horsies and ponds,” he shared, perfectly executing a Four Bagger Jumanji Screaming Eagle Cornhole trick shot. “I never did great in school but I decided to take a shot at higher education after seeing my beloved cornhole was so appreciated among the college educated. Funny enough, I’m at the top of my class doing groundbreaking research for melanoma cancer cells, all thanks to cornhole,” he explained while desperately trying to engage his opponent, who was so sloshed he didn’t even realize he was playing.

If logical and strategic games aren’t for you, luckily you can still shout “checkmate” while sloppily throwing sacks around and claim there’s an art to it. While cornhole is usually enjoyed as one is developing a 3rd degree sunburn, the southern man’s chess is now making its way into board game nights at quiet coffee shops across the south and enjoyed by 12 year old prodigies that can play 20 games simultaneously, making moves you didn’t even know were possible.