On Sunday morning, as Florida State students marveled at the time they wasted going to Atlanta while worsening traffic in the already congested city, the aftermath of FSU’s season-opener loss ran rampant throughout the football team itself. Despite the fact that T*yl*r Sw*ft punished millions of viewers at precisely 8:00:01 PM by debuting a song I still have yet to listen to, players and staff of the football team were sanctioned by one another for their defeat on Saturday night. Receiving the most cruel of all punishments, however, was beloved coach and all-around good boy Jimbo “Maxxinista” Fisher, who was refused his usual morning grits with breakfast on Sunday.
“Man, I just don’t get it!” said Jimbo, as he apathetically munched on a plain piece of burnt toast. “We gave it our best. The game didn’t have the results we wanted. Hell, the game didn’t have the GAME we wanted. I would have LOVED some drama out on that field! But it just didn’t happen this time. That doesn’t mean I don’t deserve a nice big bowl of sloppy cheese grits this morning! I’m still a good boy! Right?” Jimbo added. He then slurped on a lukewarm cup of black Folgers coffee and nibbled on an unsalted hard boiled egg.
Despite the team’s best efforts against University of Alabama (*fart noise*), the game was overall less interesting than someone in your ENC 2135 class stating that they were “born in Massachusetts” during the first day ice-breaker. With a string of letdowns led by FSU’s special teams and not even a single celebratory handstand after scoring, fans were left unimpressed and sober at the end of the fourth quarter.
“He deserves a breakfast that’s equally as boring as that game was!” stated the team’s personal chef, Mario Batali. “Grits are for boys who get results! Those ‘Bama boys probably got all the grits they wanted today, unless Nick Saban slurped ‘em all down himself and then told his players he was disappointed in them for not getting to the grits fast enough.” Pausing to spoon feed Ricky Aguayo overnight oats garnished with fresh dates and cinnamon, Batali then continued, “He’ll get his grits back as soon as he apologizes for calling me ‘Red Lightning’ last week. I’m a classically trained chef, not a ball boy. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a good boy to pacify until we can get a special teams unit that lets Little Ricky shine.”