FSU Janitor Confident QB Race Will Heat Up When Maguire Returns From Injury

An FSU source told the producers of Showtime’s “A Season With” that the QB race is actually just starting to heat up. He noted not only Sean Maguire’s arguably acceptable numbers from last season but also his average play-calling and his commendable, though certainly not unique, ability to stay optimally hydrated throughout the game.

“I mean sure, Francois put up stats making up for about a third of Maguire’s career passing yards in just two games...but could he have beat Clemson two years ago in overtime? Could he have stayed so hydrated the whole time?” Asked the mustachioed maintenance man as several passing students declared that Francois certainly could have won and would have likely stayed at least adequately hydrated. “Well, here’s the thing: Every FSU student deep down knows they’re some trash and that, in life, they’re probably gonna settle. Why not start now? Sean’s always been there for you, even when Golson got named starter over him. Even when you weren’t ever nice to him not even once not one time. Let’s show him some love. Any love. Please.”

“Who is she? I’m not familiar with that name,” said most members of the freshman class when asked about Maguire.

“Oh damn I thought he had for sure left already,” said the rest of FSU students when confronted with the prospect of Maguire’s ability to make it back into the starting lineup. “Honestly, I don’t pay as much attention when we aren’t winning so I’ve mostly seen Sean Maguire drinking lots of water on the sideline.”

The mystery man, whose sources say is named “Ron Maguire,” says, “Sean is thirsty for a chance to prove himself, and that guy HATES being thirsty.”