Yesterday afternoon, 30+ players on the Charleston Southern University football team revealed that they are being fined and will have to sit out a game following a horrific incident in which the young men had the audacity to use the textbook money they are entitled to to buy frivolous things, including pencils, binders and even electronics. Thankfully, the NCAA is handling this case swiftly and efficiently, reminding everyone that college is not for education, it's for doing permanent damage to your body to bring in millions in donor money while receiving no compensation.
"When we became aware of the players' despicable actions, we knew we had to take action right away," said NCAA President Mark Emmert, blowing good morning kisses to his framed, autographed photos of the Baylor football team. "Those players should be ashamed of themselves for tarnishing the morality of college athletics."
Brett “The Gurge” Gurgle, an NFL scout, says he is extremely concerned about the attitudes of college football stars who want to be in the NFL. “We have to get rid of this sense of entitlement,” he explained. “Athletes can’t walk around campus thinking they can just use leftover money that belongs to them to purchase materials that will enhance their learning experience. What kind of precedent is that setting?”
“I’ve definitely learned my lesson,” said Charleston Southern running back Ben Robinson, as the entire offensive line sacrificed their brand new iClickers and binders at an altar of Derrick Brooks. “I just want to move past all of this. Hopefully we all can after Rhodes Scholar, aspiring neurosurgeon and humanitarian and former Florida State safety Myron Rolle comes in to speak to us about just how dangerous it can be to put school before sports.”