And you thought Saturday was all bad! Even though the ‘Noles experienced a crushing second loss to an unranked North Carolina team, a new report has emerged providing what might just be the feel-good story of the year. Players from both teams have come forward to explain that UNC took their final place kick in order to show Ricky Aguayo what a field goal looked like.
“It was really, really my pleasure to show him,” said UNC kicker Nick Weiler as he stared lovingly at a picture of himself making the kick, knowing he was going to masturbate to it later. “Aguayo’s problem is that he hadn’t got the ball to go through the goal posts, which is how you score points. Yes, it’s true that I had just missed a PAT and yes, I blacked out right before, during and right after the kick, but hey: no pressure, no diamonds. I was able to get it done. One second I’m the least popular guy on the team then BAM I’m Mr. Invited-To-The-Team-Parties-Now. Did you see me do that sick chop I gave to the home fans? My parents must have been so proud of how graciously I handled that.”
“I am just so embarrassed we didn’t cover this in training,” said head coach Jimbo Fisher as he stared wistfully at a bowl of SEC brand gumbo sitting on his desk. “Poor little Ricky, we just didn’t even ask him if he knew what a field goal was. Hell, he made those field goals on accident earlier this year and we just figured the Aguayo boys had it in their DNA, that they’d been goddamn conceived from 40 plus yards out.”
“Okay first off, def my bad for sure,” said Aguayo as he stared numbly at a blank wall for the 68th consecutive hour. “There I was, kicking the ball just like always, but people were mad and sad this time. They kept yelling, ‘You’re nothing like your brother!’ just like mom always would. And then the UNC kicker or a gross punk bassist in a football uniform came on the field at the end and showed me that you HAVE to get it through the uprights for points; they aren’t just for fun. At first I was like, oh tru, well at least now I know for the rest of the season, but then I remembered that we might as well not really have a rest of the season. Swerve.”