“Kinky, kinky, bababooey!” breathed Jimbo Fisher quietly into his headset while flaring his nostrils and gritting his teeth. Having gotten close to the second half without scoring, Jimbo allowed himself some sweet relief with a field goal before halftime. “ALMOST THERE…GUYS, WE’RE SO CLOSE...WE’RE REALLY GONNA GIVE IT TO THEM IN THE NEXT HALF.”
Ever since that sweet smackdown against Louisville, Jimbo has used his power to project his freaccy edging kink on the players. Taking the 'second-half comeback team’ title to a whole new level, the head coach likes to play a game of ‘just the tip’ when it comes to scoring every weekend. According to an anonymous player whose name rhymes with Shmalvin Shmook, Jimbo has developed a new set of game plans that includes thrown plays, purposely roughing up sweet baby angel Deondre Francois and putting in Sean “Blue Balls” Maguire.
Miami quarterback Brad Kaaya was confused by the decision to let Sean Maguire pass in the red zone during the first half. “Yeah, it really looked like they were about to score but then Maguire comes along and gives the ball away. I looked over at Jimbo and he was just staring at Coach Richt, biting his lip and slowly caressing not only his clipboard but also his rock-hard nipples.”
During the fourth quarter, Miami scored a touchdown that seemed as if it would tie up the game. Coach Fisher paced along the sideline, clenching his kegel muscle to the beat of the UM band and biting his tongue. As special teams went out to face the extra point kick, Fisher whispered a little too loudly at them, “Go overtime for Daddy Football.” When DeMarcus Walker blocked the extra point to maintain the lead, Coach Fisher’s eyes momentarily rolled into the back of his head and his whole body seemed to tense. With only 2 minutes left on the clock and possession regained, Fisher sat down on a bench and took a long drag on an American Spirit. “That’ll do, boys,” said Fisher, his voice shaky with satisfaction.
Image credit: SB Nation