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TikTok Announces Replacement Of The FYP Algorithm With New “Patriot-Truth-Eagle-Freedom” AI Technology Following U.S. Ban Negotiations
TikTok Announces Replacement Of The FYP Algorithm With New “Patriot-Truth-Eagle-Freedom” AI Technology Following U.S. Ban Negotiations

they've decided to pivot away from their algorithm which perfectly predicts when you’re on the toilet to appeal to the new government “experts.”

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The Eggplant FSUFebruary 19, 2025
New Hinge Update: 9% More Accurate Matches, 60% More Regret
New Hinge Update: 9% More Accurate Matches, 60% More Regret

New features have been engineered to make sure you’re secure in that liminal state of constant situationships

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The Eggplant FSUFebruary 13, 2025
Gainesville Stalker and Part-Time UF Basketball Coach ‘Slips Up’ During Presser
Gainesville Stalker and Part-Time UF Basketball Coach ‘Slips Up’ During Presser

nobody wanted to ask bullshit questions about the “pick and roll.”

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The Eggplant FSUJanuary 31, 2025
Donald Trump Appoints Martha Stewart As New Head of Corrections As He Plans to Expand Federal Prison System in 2025
Donald Trump Appoints Martha Stewart As New Head of Corrections As He Plans to Expand Federal Prison System in 2025

 “Make America’s Corrections Great Again” is also the new tagline for his latest merch drop, with all proceeds going directly to Melania’s White House Christmas decor fund.

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The Eggplant FSUJanuary 20, 2025
Scientists Reveal Gagging on Your Toothbrush is Root Cause of Good Dental Hygiene
Scientists Reveal Gagging on Your Toothbrush is Root Cause of Good Dental Hygiene

Previous hypotheses claimed high consumption of sugary sodas loaded with heavy creamer and syrups was the solution to bad breath, but there was no conclusive data.

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The Eggplant FSUNovember 25, 2024
The New Viral Halloween Candy Trend, Edible Razor Blades, Is Taking Over
The New Viral Halloween Candy Trend, Edible Razor Blades, Is Taking Over

Your crazy mom might’ve made you check candy for razor blades in the past, but now you should be checking for a sweet surprise!

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The Eggplant FSUOctober 31, 2024
Former President Jimmy Carter Cordially Invites One and All to Birthday Bash of the Century
Former President Jimmy Carter Cordially Invites One and All to Birthday Bash of the Century

Come one, come all to the most anticipated birthday party of the year!

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The Eggplant FSUSeptember 30, 2024
Presidential Debate Recap (Gone Sexual) (Not Clickbait)
Presidential Debate Recap (Gone Sexual) (Not Clickbait)

Donald Trump immediately came out with some interesting remarks, “On me, the witch Kamala has cast a spell! That has made my life a living hell! For which this entire time! I have been forced to rhyme!”

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The Eggplant FSUSeptember 16, 2024
Fast Food Restaurants in Financial Ruin Following Nikocado Avocado’s Sudden Weight Loss
Fast Food Restaurants in Financial Ruin Following Nikocado Avocado’s Sudden Weight Loss

One Subway executive described it as “the worst economic situation our business has ever faced and yes, I’m including Jared."

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The Eggplant FSUSeptember 11, 2024
If I Killed OJ
If I Killed OJ
The Eggplant FSUAugust 13, 2024
Breaking Down Kendrick’s Drake Diss So You Don’t Have To
Breaking Down Kendrick’s Drake Diss So You Don’t Have To

We live in a world defined by conflict: The World Wars, the Cold War, and now the latest beef that’s shaking up the hip-hop industry as we know it.

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The Eggplant FSUJuly 1, 2024
Top 10 Software for Your Computer
Top 10 Software for Your Computer

I know what you’re thinking.

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The Eggplant FSUMarch 6, 2024
Publix Worker Accidentally Accomplishes Nuclear Fission by Slicing Deli Meat Too Thin
Publix Worker Accidentally Accomplishes Nuclear Fission by Slicing Deli Meat Too Thin

We’re all familiar with the laws of quantum physics, but you may not be aware of the ongoing battle between deli employees and disgruntled customers at Publix grocery stores across the Southeast.

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The Eggplant FSUFebruary 26, 2024
George Santos Announces OnlyFans Page
George Santos Announces OnlyFans Page

Kamala Harris laughed at what?

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The Eggplant FSUFebruary 18, 2024
NFL Institutes a “No Horseplay!” Rule Following Complaints From Parents
NFL Institutes a “No Horseplay!” Rule Following Complaints From Parents

For over a century now, the National Football League has kept millions of fans entertained and hundreds of concussion injury doctors rich.

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The Eggplant FSUJanuary 21, 2024
Taylor Swift Announces 2024 Presidential Campaign
Taylor Swift Announces 2024 Presidential Campaign

Yes, you heard it here FIRST: Taylor Swift is running for president!

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The Eggplant FSUJanuary 5, 2024
Spotify Wrapped Personalities Guide
Spotify Wrapped Personalities Guide

Admit it. Reading is hard.

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The Eggplant FSUDecember 10, 2023
My Thoughts on the Current Conflict in Ukraine
My Thoughts on the Current Conflict in Ukraine

Disclaimer: The following document is highly classified.

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The Eggplant FSUOctober 23, 2023
What the Acronyms Your Kids Use Actually Stand For
What the Acronyms Your Kids Use Actually Stand For

What does it mean when your teenage son messages his friend “kys”?

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The Eggplant FSUSeptember 17, 2023
Op-Ed: Pedestrians Have the Right of Way
Op-Ed: Pedestrians Have the Right of Way

The day started out ordinary.

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The Eggplant FSUApril 26, 2023
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