Spotify Wrapped Personalities Guide
Admit it. Reading is hard. We know this because no one reads our articles. And Spotify uses too many big words in their 2023 Wrapped. Well, lucky for you, we’re here to break down each of the Wrapped personality cards in the simplest terms, so there’s almost no way to feel good about the one you got! We’ll even tell you about an elusive thirteenth personality that only a select group of Spotify users received this year. Here we go!
Vampire - Whenever you’re feeling a little bummed, you listen to sad ass music to make sure that feeling sticks around for as long as possible. “Wow, you’re really going through it right now,” is the real music to your ears.
Alchemist - Honestly, you might just be the coolest person on earth. I bet you're loved by all, smell good, and have a full head of hair. Or maybe you just don’t have anything else better to do. Yeah, probably that one.
Time Traveler - Let’s be real. You got this personality because you play specific songs while you sleep. It’s okay. That’s the same reason why “Glorious” by Macklemore was in my top 5 this year.
Cyclops - You’re probably one of those people that “doesn’t listen to rap music” but will listen to screamo metal and industrial ambiance for hours on end. While we’re at it, hyperfocusing is a sign of severe ADHD so you might want to go get that checked out.
Luminary - You’re the opposite of the Vampire but somehow worse. The luminary would play “Happy” by Pharell Williams at a funeral.
Mastermind - A member of the shadow wizard money gang, you love casting spells and listening to all sorts of music. Much like the Alchemist, you’re not one to put your own taste in a corner. There’s also a quantifiable chance that you have a large clit or penis (perhaps both).
Roboticist - Your lack of preference is truly frightening to everyone around you. The only person daring enough to be your friend is DJ X.
Shapeshifter - You’re trying really hard to build your own taste but you secretly don’t actually like listening to music at all and would prefer sitting in silence. You’d actually love to never do anything at all. There’s an idea of you, and although you can hide your cold gaze, and shake the hands of others and feel their flesh gripping yours, you simply are not there.
Collector - Your own self-importance probably stems from the fact that when you were a child, your parents completely ignored you, which robbed you of any sense of importance to others around you. This, over time, built up your own ego as a personal defense mechanism. A.K.A. Dennis from It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia.
Hunter - LET THE DAMN SONG PLAY. STOP FUCKING CHANGING IT HALFWAY THROUGH. I DON’T CARE IF YOU GOT BORED. DON’T SKIP. JUST GET MEDICATED.
Fanatic - You spent 3,000 dollars on Taylor Swift tickets and didn’t bat an eye. I’m personally worried about you and every person you happen to come in contact with. God help us all.
Hypnotist - “Nobody makes art like they used to!” We get it, you pretentious douchebag. Climb out of Anthony Fantano’s ass. And you can call them albums instead of “Her newest project,” or “The last record,” or even “Such a great LP.” Shut up.
And the secret thirteenth personality is…
Economist - You’re a little broke boy who still doesn’t have Spotify Premium. Half of your listening time this year was ads for Honey and Dollar Shave Club.
Well, that’s all folks. I’d like to say it’s been a good year, but it really hasn’t been. For like the fifth year in a row? Maybe sixth? I don’t even know anymore. Goodbye.