Op-Ed: Pedestrians Have the Right of Way

The day started out ordinary. I left my Gilchrist Hall residence to grab a coffee and a stale muffin from Sweet Shop. The sun was shining and the larpers were larping. I was channeling my inner iPad baby by making an Instagram reel (since Tik Tok is banned) to document my day when suddenly, out of nowhere, a car HIT ME! Although I did not end up beneath the vehicle, I knew immediately that my hip was shattered upon impact. Even worse than my shattered hip was my shattered iPhone 13X MAX, 1TB version, of course, that my parents bought me for getting straight C’s (I don’t know if you’ve heard but they get degrees). 

I may have stepped out into the road without looking both ways, but that is neither here nor there. I think any reasonable person would agree that pedestrians (I like to call ‘em pedos for short) deserve the right of way. Cars have brakes, but my legs don’t. So who has an easier time reacting within a second? Obviously the neon orange Mustang. Not only that, but people walking are easier to spot than a 2500-pound hunk of metal driving 30mph down the road. To be honest, I think I saw the driver texting right before my life flashed before my eyes. Maybe even driving with one foot, and the other dangling out their open window? Can you believe that? I’m genuinely asking, would you believe that? My lawyer told me I could sue.  I don’t want to go there though, I just simply want my story to be told. Furthermore, I do not believe in crosswalks, as people should have the right of way anywhere and the drivers should just be more careful. On top of that, I would be late much more often if I actually crossed at crosswalks.

The Eggplant prides itself on providing more than one account of a story, so the paramedic and driver were also interviewed to get their version of events. “I swear I was not texting or speeding, or footing up my steering wheel? They stepped out into the road, not even at a crosswalk. I braked as hard as I could and didn’t think I made impact with them but then they threw themselves across the hood of my car and dramatically rolled off,” says the distressed driver through tears. The driver did what anyone would do and immediately called an ambulance. Upon arrival, a paramedic reviewed the condition of the pedo. “Yeah, I’m 99% sure the driver didn’t make contact. Plus they definitely don’t have a fractured hip. But they insisted they be taken to the hospital ‘for the aesthetic,’ whatever that means,” responds the respondent first-responder. 

I’m sure that the driver and paramedic gave a truthful account of what happened. If my story does anything, I hope that it inspires change for pedos to stop using crosswalks and for drivers to be more vigilant on the road. Go like my recent reel on @gayballs69420 where I vlog my ambulance ride and hospital stay. The doctors claimed my hip was not fractured but I have set up a GoFundMe to cover the ambulance expenses. If I do not raise $11,000, I will be forced to sue the driver and you are all to blame.