Bald Men Riot Over Positive Reactions to Timothee Chalamet Buzzcut

Riots exploded all over the country yesterday as bald men everywhere expressed their outrage towards acclaimed actor Timothee Chalamet. This comes as Chalamet debuted a brand new look, cutting his iconic locks down to a short buzz cut, akin to Jada Pinkett-Smith or a kiwi. Reactions to his new cut have been overwhelmingly positive, marking the first time society has  ever liked a buzz cut on a man. 

The radical group "Bureau for Alopecia Liberation and Defense” (BALD), have issued a statement denouncing the public’s positive reaction. One anonymous baldman of the group said, “Where was this energy when your situationship started thinning during your junior year of college? Where was this energy when you noticed a bald spot while running your hands through your boyfriend’s hair? Where was this energy when your brother and his janky buzz was forced to wear hats at every social event? This oppression against balds everywhere will not stand!” The group then announced a series of riots throughout the United States, calling it “The Chalamet Coup”. 

Cities like Atlanta, Chicago, and New York were reduced to rubble in a long chain of destruction and hairless terror. Bald rioters threw bottles of Nair at citygoers' heads, burning their scalps and removing their hair. They then took hostages with the best hair, threatening to cut their mane inch by inch until justice was served. Pres. Donald Trump issued a statement on Truth Social last night, saying quote, “These baseless attacks on great, American citizens with luscious locks MUST END NOW! Taking hostages will NEVER be allowed in this country.” The Eggplant reached out to Timothee Chalamet for a comment on the riots. All we received in response was a selfie of Chalamet himself, laying naked next to Kylie Jenner, captioned simply, “Don’t Care, I’m Him.” We will provide updates on Chalamet’s hair regrowth as it continues.