EGOT Status To Be Renamed EGOTH, Celebrities Must Now Also Win the Heisman To Be Considered

In a shocking twist of events, the highly coveted title of EGOT status has become even more competitive than before. To achieve even a shred of respectability as an entertainer, celebrities must now strive for EGOTH status, meaning they need to have an Emmy, a Grammy, an Oscar, a Tony, and the Heisman Memorial Trophy under their belt. Any credibility that previously came with being an EGOT winner no longer counts, meaning deceased holders of the title are shit out of luck.

This has taken the entertainment sphere by storm, as many performers who were close to achieving EGOT status aren’t pleased with this update. Cynthia Erivo, who was eagerly anticipating completing her EGOT gauntlet with the upcoming release of Wicked: For Good, is notably pissed off. She complained, “It’s not fair. After everything I’ve worked for, they want me to play football now? Insanity.” Erivo then proceeded to belt her iconic “Defying Gravity” riff five times consecutively to prove a point. We did not ask her to do this. She also didn’t quite comprehend that the Heisman referred to American football, not soccer, because she is British. After we explained this concept, she started tapping her shiny bald ass head in deep consideration, so we left the interview there.

On the flip side, winners of the Heisman are now banding together to infiltrate the entertainment industry and achieve EGOTH status themselves. Jameis Winston is already making great strides, having auditioned for the Broadway revival of Frozen and booking the role of Elsa in hopes of winning a Tony. “I am so happy and grateful that the Lord has blessed me to play in some snow,” he gleefully declared. Rumors are also circling that Travis Hunter, DeVonta Smith, Desmond Howard, Tim Brown, and Johnny Rodgers are starting a band of the only wide receivers to win the Heisman. Their debut album is set to be released in 2030, assuming no other wide receivers win between now and then, which won’t be happening, anyway.

There was going to be an overarching conclusion to this report, but we’ve just received breaking news that, to keep her EGOT to EGOTH status going strong, Whoopi Goldberg has just signed on as a quarterback for the Florida State Seminoles, benching Thomas Castellanos in hopes that someone on this team will complete a damn pass. Desperate times call for desperate measures, and we wholeheartedly expect more to come from entertainers and football players alike in the near future.