Trump Insists Epstein Island Was Known For ‘Fantastic Hors D'oeuvres’

As the nation impatiently waits for the release of the Epstein Files, documents detailing the long history of transactions made between notorious pedophile Jeffrey Epstein and his associates, many are left wondering what powerful individuals could be indicted within said files. Among them is Epstein’s infamous homeboy, Donald Trump, who, in a recent interview with the Eggplant, revealed that his name just might be among the files. 

“My name may or may not be found on the transaction list. I got around in my day. Of course, everyone knows about the kiddy stuff on the island, but behind that was a lovely resort. Fantastic Hors d’oeuvres. They were delicious little morsels, crackers, cheese…” The president proceeded to carry on for another five minutes about the appetizers. It is rumored that millions of dollars could be on the books between Trump and Epstein, which Trump insists is purely related to Hors D’oeuvres, golfing, scuba diving, and other ‘luxuries’ enjoyed on the island. Trump characterized his experience as a lovely vacation at a luxury resort, where he remained completely unaware of any ‘diddling’ going on. 

“Anything I’ve done relating to pedophilia has nothing to do with Epstein Island,” a remark Trump clearly saw as a ‘mic-drop moment’ as shown by him putting his hand up and pretending to drop a microphone on the ground. The Eggplant further inquired regarding Trump’s defunct friendship with Epstein; “It was in regards to a bidding war on a mansion that we stopped being friends, he was a total douche about it.” When asked if Epstein’s ‘creepy’ track record and later accusations of pedophilia had anything to do with the pair parting ways, Trump replied, “Well, Gaetz is still my goat.”

The release of the Epstein Files is seen to be possibly detrimental to the Trump administration, and as the nation awaits the news, Trump describes feeling ‘nostalgic’ for the loss of an old friend and “the best damn hors d'oeuvres on the market.” As we left the interview, we noticed Trump becoming emotional over him and Epstein’s matching ‘I’m With Stupid’ T-shirts.