Recent News Reports Weather Is Hot but Cold

With spring break consisting of icey weather and imminent rain clouds, Tallahassee residents dream of the warmer, sunnier days, such as winter break. Many find much confusion with the state of the weather, seeing as this is supposed to be ‘the sunshine state’ but find little to no solace from weathermen or news reports. Today, weather.com reports it will be a little cold, but also hot. Also, it’s a bit humid. But dry.

“It’s a really difficult thing to cope with,” began Meg Smith, freshman at Florida State. “Every morning, I dread looking at my weather app. Will it be 34 degrees? 87? Or it starts with literal ice on the ground and ends just left of satan’s butthole.” With shaky hands and bated breath, Smith held up her phone, first showing us the little polaroid kept inside the clear (molding) case. The weather app read 55 degrees, with a wide-eyed Smith quickly screenshotting and shouting, “angel number!”

I just feel like meteorologists should be good. If I wanted to be gaslit by a man in a suit, I would’ve just switched the channel to Fox News,” began Tyler Fieldson, a graduate student with a focus in history studies. “Yesterday, it said it’d be violently hailing all day today. Now it says I should buy a shark floaty and take up space at the Redpoint pool. Which is it?” After stepping outside a moment, Fieldson took approximately 15 minutes to put a tattered hoodie on, shed it and turn on the ceiling fan 7 minutes afterward. “How can there be a 90% chance of rain, then not rain? Why not choose a lower percentage next time? My raggedy knees can tell it’ll rain later in the day better than literal scientists.”

It appears that the general consensus is that meteorologists should consider going back to school and learning how to tell the weather, as something clearly isn’t working. Talks of a GoFundMe to create a proper weather machine are circling, garnering much support. With this in consideration, take the time to pack correctly for the weather. Bring a hoodie, coat, umbrella, helmet, shorts, pants, tank top, Glock, and turtleneck. Also, pack a swimsuit and your grandmother’s ashes, just in case.