What? The Grammys Happened?

That’s right, another pretentious awards show with celebrities and their silly little gold statues happened. These little gold statues are shaped like gramophones, just as a reminder. This year, the Grammy’s invested over 8 million to ensure that if you crank the arms on the sides of them, they’ll play President Zelensky’s pleas for the world to aid Ukraine. Who was nominated? Who won? We honestly don’t know since we didn’t watch it, (and our staff has been banned from the awards show for 10 years) so here’s out best guess according to the steadfast source of twitter. 

Some pictures were taken of a lot of people in outfits that either flopped or served absolute cunt. Either way, the fashion discourse may have been the only thing that reminded you of the Grammy’s existence as you scrolled through your feed the morning after and exclaimed ‘oh! I totally forgot that was happening!’ as if you would have watched it had you known. Someone was dressed as a dinosaur, someone else was dressed as a furry. Dillon Francis showed up looking like a hungover frat DJ with Walgreens snacks in tow. It’s culture, it’s Hollywood. Don’t worry, countless iconic artists including The Weeknd, Tyler the Creator, Cardi B, Kendrick Lamar, Drake, The Wiggles, and Yo Gabba Gabba didn’t bother to show up. When we reached out to the Weeknd for a comment on their absence, they simply replied ‘nah’. 

Each live performance was actually just Olivia Rodrigo forced to sing ‘Driver’s License’ over and over again until the young star’s lungs burst and she had to be carried off the stage on a gurney as the audience clapped politely. Reportedly every table had the word ‘BEHAVE’ scrawled into the surfaces in ominous red lettering, nearly every acceptance speech giving the heftiest of kudos to the dazzlingly exploitative industries pulling the strings. Meanwhile, Amy Schumer was spotted in her Oscar’s Spiderman outfit fist-fighting security outside. Reportedly she had a bit she absolutely needed everyone to see involving silly string and a fart joke. 

While the Grammys didn’t exactly slap this year with the buzz of recent awards shows drowning it out, we can assure you that this year’s music awards were just as mediocre and staged as any other. Cameras made sure to capture only the most uncomfortable of moments, majority of the crowd coverage being closeups on celebrities who clearly would be tazed if they did not smile and clap while forcibly stapled to their assigned seats. Doja Cat managed to escape momentarily to relieve herself, only to be called immediately back to the stage for a Grammy of her own which was arguably the highlight of the evening. That didn’t stop her from leaving 90 minutes early, of course.