Eggplant Horoscopes March 2019!

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No, it’s not just you - the past two months were indeed a blur, reminding us of other life experiences that happened in a flash like prom or your first time watching Titanic (who knew it was three hours long?). With the year rushing with more intensity than Brett and Duke from your freshman ENC2135 class, a little guidance from the universe couldn’t hurt as March 2019 makes its way onto our calendars. Luckily, your highly-qualified, definitely certified astrological defense force here at The Eggplant FSU has put together some advice to take into the next month.


This month is your time to shine, Aries. With St. Patrick’s Day just around the corner, make sure to keep that attitude in check when your friend thinks it’s funny to punch (not pinch) you right in the kisser for not wearing green. Go with the flow, and try your best to live in the moment, especially with all eyes on you as you deepthroat a beer bong at Heritage Grove. Godspeed.


Big, bold, beautiful Bull, March 2019 brings you nothing but success. That guy you’ve been after since he told you all about his BMX hobby at a party last month? Get ready to take a ride around town on a double-seated bike, because love is certainly in the air. Creative pursuits are also on your side this month, so make sure to step out of your comfort zone. It’s always better to put yourself out there, no matter how scared you are to show off your kazoo abilities at an open mic.


“Curious, affectionate, and kind,” these are the words that the website that the stars and definitely not the horoscope writer use to describe you, sweet Gemini. As everyone with an Irish uncle knows, however, this can be a month full of emotional twists and turns that leave you wondering why you even came to the family reunion in the first place. You're sensitive, and because of this, you need to be on guard during the most unstable of these twelve months.


Caring and passionate Cancer, it’s time you learn to direct your love towards someone who deserves it. But the good news is, the universe is looking out for you by sending another Cancer your way! You guys won’t be able to stop crying every time an insurance commercial with a dog comes on, but at least you’ll have each other.


Wild child, Leo, this month brings sex, love, and insecurity. Just because you’re getting attention from a possible lover, does not mean you fully love yourself. Focus on yourself and refrain from eating that entire loaf of bread sitting on your kitchen counter. And remember to keep your mouth shut when your friend shares a juicy, juicy secret with you. No one likes a gossip, Leo.


Oh, Virgo, the not-so-virgin. An old flame will arise this month, leading you down a spiral of self-sabotage. We know you’re going to fall into the trap, but remember you are more than just a horny college kid, you are a warrior. Focus on cleaning your room since you let it get so out of hand this past month, and once everything is clean and pristine like you like it, invite over a new friend or lover. Forming a new relationship will help you feel important, just how you like it.


You live a life of incredible balance, Libra. Take this energy into March 2019, especially when your Cancer friend comes crying to you over being left on read by the guy at Chickfila that used to give them free soft serve cones. Yes, that was a great plug - but use your sense of justice to ease the situation. Whatever you do, do not suggest going to McDonalds - you know the ice cream machine is broken anyways, just like your friend’s fragile heart.


Scorpio, we know you think you’re hot shit, but this is the month that is going to humble you. Just like every person who thought there was no way the Academy would let Green Book win Best Picture, you would be better off preparing yourself for an upset. That being said, your love life will at least be kicking off--as long as you FINALLY kick Josh to the curb.


Sweet little Sag, don’t let that streak of impatience take hold of your life this month. You’ve got a great sense of humor, but some of your quips can come off as a bit harsh to unsuspecting victims. Try and hold your tongue when your roommate goes on and on about her stint at Pots over St. Patrick’s Day weekend, even though one story about her projectile puking green pabst across the courtyard seems like enough.


Cap, we love how dependable you are, but don’t let your friends take advantage of your hard-working spirit. This month, take some time to relax and put yourself in the spotlight for a change. Use spring break as a way of finding your inner peace, and absolutely cancel those PCB spring break plans your friend made for you guys. Trust us - it’s not good for you.


Aquarius, people may think of you as being pretty aloof, but then again maybe people are just fucking stupid? What we’re saying is to not let over-sensitivity from outsiders get in the way of you doing your thing, whatever it may be. This March, don’t be afraid to step outside the box when a new opportunity comes your way, no matter how sketchy meeting at The Den at 6 in the morning for a ‘student film audition’ sounds.


Happy Birthday, Pisces! Everyone knows what a sweetheart you are, so keep that energy going as you reign in another trip around the sun. Who knows, maybe you’ll get some pretty sick gifts from your friends, like a new notebook or some velvet scrunchies? Whether or not you’re showered with affection this month, don’t pass up the opportunity to throw a rager in celebration of YOU. Don’t let anyone try and light candles on a cake while inebriated though, please.

The Eggplant FSU