Florida Man Teaches Lecture on the Ultimate Pub-Sub Without Being Questioned or Interrupted
While the strange ongoings of everyday Florida seem commonplace here, perhaps a man marrying his an alligator is startling to those from out of state. The adventures of "Florida Man," an inhabitant of the Twilight Zone known to make an appearance about every other week, are infamous to just about anyone who skims the USA Today. In a series of shocking events last Friday, FSU’s “General Biology I” lecture took a sharp turn toward "what the hell" when notorious Florida Man walked to the front of the lecture hall, gnawed on the arm of a TA and began his own lecture on the one true staple of Florida: the "Pub-Sub."
“Everyone is in disagreement as to how to order the blessed Chicken Tender Pub-Sub, but I’m here to guide to next generation, to become their messiah in these challenging times,” preached Jeb Wilson, the newest member in a long line of Florida Men who clearly hadn't showered since the new year started. By sneaking into Ruby Diamond, under the guise of chaotic, outdated music videos projected on the screen before the lecture, Wilson was able to make his way to the front of the auditorium unquestioned. “The secret is the get buffalo sauce with your chicken tenders, mac and cheese and jalapenos. There’s so much flavor in a single bite. It’s like the sandwich crawled out of the pits of Florida hell to punch you right in the kisser.” He then gave an elaborate and unsettlingly charismatic bow before storming off in confidence; with the complete understanding that local law enforcement holds a wholehearted empathy and won’t do shit.
“How did that man get an entire auditorium’s worth of students to engage more in that single class on sandwiches than they ever did for the entire semester! Usually, by this time of the semester, only four out of our 1000 students come to class. They just kept showing up as his details about the sub became increasingly…. thick and juicy,” explained professor Sandra Kurtz, who has taught the same curriculum since 1983 and still can’t use PowerPoint. “I’ve received several emails from students asking when our guest lecturer will return, and even more asking which classes he’ll be teaching in the summer and fall of 2019. I would be shocked if FSU didn’t offer this sandwich hero tenure by the end of the year,” said Kurtz, as she begrudgingly pulled out her Motorola Razor and ordered a chicken tender sub “just for science and research purposes.”
Maybe he's sponsored by Publix, or maybe he deserves a good ol’ fashioned chili pepper on rate my professor. Either way, this Florida Man captivated the attention of freshmen, and seniors who regret everything, alike! In recognizing this unprecedented achievement, the University Administration is now searching high and low to bestow the “Where learning is a pleasure!” award to this mysterious icon. If found, please call 850-420-6969!