UCF Sick and Tired of Being Referred to as the “Kevin” of Florida Higher Education

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While the resurgence of Jonas Brother hysteria has taken social media by storm, one of contemporary history’s most pressing arguments has found its way back to the forefront of public consciousness: which JoBro is the hottest? Luckily, gaging critical and comparative hotness amongst siblings is an age-old practice that can be applied broadly. Like Nick and Joe, UF and FSU are constantly compared with strong emotions tied to the loyalties that impassion their supporters, but where does that leave dependable ole’ Kevin (we’re ignoring the fact that he voted for Trump)? Well, when you mirror the band with the three head honchos of the Florida Public Higher Education System, it’s pretty obvious what school fits the average, somewhat-forgettable bill. UCF, we’re looking right at’cha.

This past week, the students and faculty at the University of Central Florida have banded together in protest of their constant labeling as the “Kevin” of Florida universities. “What’s being said about our school on social media is not only incorrect but an attack on the hard work and dedication that has gone into making this university what it is today, a cesspool of average Floridian 20-somethings and a pretty okay Engineering program,” said UCF Interim President Thad Seymour Jr. while holding back tears during a press conference earlier this week. “It’s absolutely insulting to our history and dignity as an institution. I get it - we’re not as glamorous as some of the other Florida schools, but we’re definitely hot enough to be at least a Nick.”

FSU students had a lot to say regarding the recent controversy, including sophomore and dedicated Vice President of the Tallahassee chapter of the International Jonas Brothers Fan Co-op, Lindy Swelling. “When you take a good look at the top three Florida universities, it’s pretty easy to see why UCF is clearly the ‘Kevin.’ The rivalry between FSU and UF will never be solved - just like the debate over Joe and Nick,” said Swelling while ironing the Burnin’ Up Tour limited edition shirt that she dug out of the pile of clothes she’s steady promised her mom was going to Goodwill. “Honestly, I don’t think being Kevin is all that bad. Sure, he’s not cute and brooding like Nick, or hot and quirky like Joe, but hey - he’s married right? Couple kids? He’s definitely made the least money as an entertainer, but I’m sure he’s got one helluva savings portfolio.”

While the competition among the Florida colleges will surely never cease, most can agree that the true rivalry lies between our great state’s tried, true and trashiest institutions up north. But one thing is for certain - the Jonas Brothers comeback has no purity rings in sight, and neither do any of these three saucy human zoos. Lest we forget that just like Nick, our friends down in Gainesville are vastly overrated and dull. FSU, it’s time to embrace our title as the hottest Jonas Brother - we’re the "Joe" of Florida higher education and we should be proud. UCF, you may be the "Kevin" of the group, but it could always be worse - at least you’re not Bonus Jonas Frankie taking up space down in Tampa.

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