5 Reasons Why Reality Doesn't Exist in Your Uber Home From the Club

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Hopping into an Uber after a near-death experience and pretending like your entire life isn't in shambles is a millennial rite of passage. From an Uber with strobe lights and a Febreze plug-in so strong, you catch a little bit of a high, it's pretty easy to see why all laws known to man don't apply when you're intoxicated after midnight. Lucky for you, our ride-sharing expert from The Eggplant FSU with a 3.8-star Uber rating is here to provide an explanation as to why reality doesn't exist in your ride home from the club.

1.) Having to Google a picture of the car listed every time you order an Uber

Honestly, who even knows what the fuck a Sonata looks like, anyways! My dad never taught me what a car looked like and even after playing Need for Speed: Hot Pursuit 2 (2002), I'm still a bit afraid to ask. I just need the Uber app to tell me what color it is, otherwise, I'll hop into any stranger's car. They have those little lights on their dashboard sometimes so you know it’s an Uber, but so is 85% of every car in Tallahassee so what help is that?

2.) Unpacking your trauma at 2 a.m. with a stranger you’ll never see again

Last Saturday, I gave Gia from Uber a five-star rating because she listened to me cry while we were trapped in the Taco Bell drive thru. She was way more supportive of my career to drop out of college and become a professional ASMR YouTuber than my entire family combined! Since we have less than one mutual friend between us, I feel a little bit too comfortable answering her when she asks how my night is going. Not to sound like Sally Sadpants, but she was the first one to ask in a while.

3.) The thrill of not really being 100% sure if you’re going to get murdered

I read an article that says Uber does background checks, but how can we know for sure? I just think it's important to put my hands on every single surface of this car to get my fingerprints everywhere. What if an Uber drive woke up one day and said "Hey, you know what I want to do? Murder someone." That would be so sick. This ride to Cancun's could end up being your last, and maybe that's the reason why we're fighting not to call shotgun.

4.) Lying that you’re okay with the music even when it’s really bad

“Is 'Lo-fi Hip Hop Radio 24/7 Chill Gaming/Study Beats to Chill and Relax To' okay?” It’s not, but you’re the driver and I'm afraid to say anything otherwise. I will literally tip you $10 to get Spotify Premium and play anything else other than calming ocean noises to spare the next person trapped in this sensory overload chamber.

5.) Not wearing your seatbelt because you’re “only going to be in there for a minute”.

It’s the length of a normal car ride, but for some reason, we think that the rules of vehicular safety are suspended in Ubers. Didn't you watch those Red Asphalt videos in high school? You can’t just zoom through space and time in a stranger’s car and not be strapped in. This is not the Magic School Bus, bitch. Buckle up!

The Eggplant FSU