5 Ways Your Parents Are Suggesting Their Divorce Through a Valentine's Day Care Package
Whether or not you spent Valentine’s Day on a minefield of a date at the Olive Garden or nestled deep into the body-shaped indent of your mattress as you picked the outer chocolate mold off a strawberry, we are all relieved it’s over. At last, the remaining days of February can be spent as they should: pants unzipped and belt unbuckled while bingeing The Bachelor and chowing down the chocolate rose that is definitely not on our diet. But it seems that while you were practicing some couch based self-care, your parents were concocting the perfect way to communicate “Your father and mother don’t love each other anymore” through a spread of pink chocolatey objects plucked from a CVS shelf. Here are all the ways you can quickly decipher your parents are suggesting their divorce through a Valentine’s Day care package:
Pink Box of Reese's Pieces
These calorie monsters may seem like a sweet, innocent treat but take a closer look. Mom and Dad are informing you that as a result of their loveless parting, the life you’ve always known is in pieces. You might as well eat the whole heart since love is dead anyway.
Gas Station Gift Card
While mom and dad may not understand you forgot you owned a car that's now entombed deep in the underbelly of Woodward garage, they certainly remembered to send you $25 to 7/11 to free that baby from parking purgatory! It's even complete with mommy’s signature “XO” chicken scratch, with her classic sketch of a smiley face within the O. But don’t be mistaken; these twisted fucks know there’s no 7/11 here and only mean to symbolize their love as a poorly run gas station chain. Their marriage has simply run out of steam.
Now, nothing says “I don’t love your Mother anymore but I still love you!” like a hot pink pair of fuzzy socks to keep your feet warm on cold February nights. Since most children strike in rebellion following a parent’s uncoupling, your parents have given you the resources to send feet pics to the closest sugar daddy in your area. But remember: it’s not your fault that your dad only stuck around because you were in school. At least you have a warm pair of fuzzy socks to keep you warm against this cruel, unforgiving world!
Two Valentine Cards
In the words of your mother recapping her latest miniseries binge, “This one’s a doozy!” Lying at the bottom of the cardboard box are two handwritten envelopes, both addressed to you. There’s no denying this one: your parents have separated far enough that they’re writing on two separate dollar section Hallmark cards, probably from neighboring apartment complexes. This can only mean that a nuclear couple with two kids is settling down nicely in your old childhood home.
A Diamond Ring
You are now the sad owner of a diamond encrusted engagement ring, clearly an accident at the diamondless hands of your mother, but sell that baby for Juul pods and Tinder premium before your father demands his grandmother’s engagement ring back!