10 Conspiracy Theories Your Grandpa Convinced You of Over Break

If the lead up to Thanksgiving break didn’t come with a mounting anxiety over trying to relate to your decrepit relatives for two hours over a turkey dinner, congratulations, you have a pleasant home life! We get it, you don’t have to brag. For most of us, there's at least one old man in our family that manages to trap us into conversations about the fall of the U.S. government every holiday season. However, you didn’t anticipate the extremely convincing arguments your Grandpa would make this year, such as “babble babble babble Ronald Reagan.” Here’s the top 10 conspiracy theories that your misinformed, but well-meaning pop-pop convinced you of over Thanksgiving.

  1. The U.S. Government is planning the mass murder 200 million people in 2020

Screen Shot 2018-11-27 at 1.40.18 PM.png

Image source: https://www.imdb.com/title/tt1290725/

Try Googling it! You won’t find anything, which is exactly what the government wants. Your grandfather doesn’t give a nickel (which to him is the modern-day equivalent of $400) because he probably won't even be here in 2020!

2. The U.S. dollar is going to crash in 2020

When he tried explaining this one further, he didn’t get much farther than throwing around buzzwords like “gold standard” and “Richard Nixon.” He knew the stock market would crash in 2008 after hearing it from his poker buddy who once got arrested for running around naked while on LSD, so maybe he's onto something.

3. You should pull money out of all of your accounts and start buying gold because the U.S. dollar is going to crash in 2020

Screen Shot 2018-11-27 at 1.42.39 PM.png

Again, he can’t exactly explain what the gold standard is or why the U.S. stopped backing its currency that way, nor is he aware it’s no longer 1968. But he has a guy down in Key Largo that sells the purest gold in South Florida, and he’s not about to question his luck.

4. Every sensible woman should own an AR-15 and be able to build a helicopter from scrap metal before the apocalypse happens in 2020

In fact, you should probably go ahead and quit that liberal education of yours and learn a useful skill like building wartime aircrafts by hand or foraging in the jungles of Southeast Asia. What do you even do in your major? Color in coloring books while watching Super Soul Sunday?

5. You should drink Flat Tummy Tea to aid in detoxing and weight loss

Screen Shot 2018-11-27 at 1.44.07 PM.png

Image source: https://www.someecards.com/entertainment/entertainment/jameela-jamil-detox-tea-cardi-b-flat-tummy-co/

Your grandpa has been picking up some major traction on Insta since starting his detox, and you can too! You can use his discount code “OnAMoreSeriousNoteTheseTeasAreADangerousProductOfThePatriarchyAndLateStageCapitalism” for 10% off your first purchase!

6. New American restaurants are good

Screen Shot 2018-11-27 at 1.45.24 PM.png

He’s not about to eat at some fusion restaurant with no red meat. This isn’t Communist China.

7. Moving home after graduation will not be detrimental to your mental health

Screen Shot 2018-11-27 at 1.46.59 PM.png

You should be so lucky to have a completely unstable household to come home to! When he was young, he had to go straight from a war against those damn Commies to work before his generation destroyed the job market for decades to come.

8. Recycling is for Californians

Screen Shot 2018-11-27 at 1.48.04 PM.png

As is being too high to properly rake leaves, growing almonds for “alternative milk” and never seeing rain. You don’t need to worry about any of that (See: #4).

9. The Netflix is collecting data on all of us to sell to the Russians in 2020

That’s why he only watches cable reruns of JAG. Also, this one is the only one taken seriously by the corrupt CIA, but it’s not like you’re about to stop watching season two of Riverdale every night. You do have principles.

10. Reading is for SJW’s

Unless it’s reading the REAL news on patriotfacts.net/lyingliberalcucks.

The Eggplant FSU