Man Featured on Tinder Tuesday Sues Barstool for Defamation of Character
In a completely expected turn of events, it seems a man featured on Barstool’s Tinder Tuesday got his feelings hurt after a rather unflattering spotlight. Kyle Dude Guy, the student featured, is officially taking legal action against FSU Barstool, claiming his inclusion in the post falls under the category of “defamation of character.” Kyle has insisted that his reputation is now irreparable, claiming that this ill-conceived attempt to break the ice, not only permanently cock-blocked him, but also made him the laughing stock of his frat, Alpha Gamma Lamma Ding Dong. But in his defense, how was he supposed to know that asking “How many holes am I workin’ with?” might cause trouble?
As the infamous Barstool post gained traction, Kyle took to Instagram in an initial attempt to clear his name. In an eloquently-worded story post, he stated, “I don’t understand why everyone has to be so judgmental. I understand why my mom’s judgmental, I think it’s ‘cause she cares partially. I think it’s also partially ‘cause everyone else is looking at her like ‘Hey, Kyle’s just a bum. Kyle’s this, Kyle’s that.’ Kyle’s ME, bro. Let me be me. #NiceGuysFinishLast.” What a poet, right? Totally not plagiarized from a movie about a penguin at all!
Despite all the negative attention, it wasn’t until the bullying from his fellow frat brothers began that he considered taking legal action. Because, for some reason, Kyle seemingly cares more about what other men think about him than his potential hookups, his peers, or even future employers. In an official statement provided by the best lawyer his daddy’s money could buy, Kyle is reportedly suing FSU Barstool: “On the grounds that he has been unfairly targeted and misrepresented due to the lack of context provided in the Instagram post.” Considering that his off-putting message was the first one sent in the entire conversation, it appears this argument may face some scrutiny. But, hey, The Eggplant isn’t full of overpaid, over-liquored lawyers, so what would this staff know?
FSU Barstool representative, Sally Silly Goose, was the employee responsible for exposing Kyle and has found herself in the crossfire. “I didn’t expect him to go full-on courtroom drama on us. It was just a normal day at work for me,” said Goose. Regardless of the legal action Goosenow has to face, she’s continued in her weekly exposé of varying levels of douche-bags on Tinder. Good for her, doing God’s work.
Certain information has also come out, showing that Goose wasn’t alone in questioning the intentions behind the lawsuit. The general public, along with the rest of Alpha Gamma Lamma Ding Dong, is suspicious of Kyle’s recent actions. In an exclusive interview, fraternity brother, Tyler Dude Guy #2 said, “This whole suing thing is him just trying to re-assert his clear lack of dominance. I tried to tell him those Andrew Tate videos can only take you so far in life.” When questioned about the possibility of Kyle maybe sort of possibly overcompensating for something (Which, come on, everyone was thinking), Dude Guy #2 responded with a shrug and a throw-away comment about their shared shower experience.
While the dust is far from settling, Kyle has retired his Tinder account to escape any more judgment. Against the advice from his lawyer, he’s moved to Hinge, proclaiming that his sexual ambiguity and gung-ho attitude will be better appreciated over there. And ladies, this is your warning: steer clear from any ass-play related messages. Unless you’re into that sort of thing, The Eggplant doesn’t judge. #LoveIsLove.