Type FSU as “FAU” One More Time and Richard McCullough Is Going To Get You

There has been an exponential rise in the frequency of FSU students accidentally misspelling FSU as “FAU.” And as if that wasn’t bad enough for the reputation of the highly-regarded Fantastic Spellers University, the typos have also caught the attention of the institution’s president, Richard McCullough himself. 

McCullough hasn’t been responding well to these spelling slips, which was made abundantly clear when he took to Outlook in a university-wide statement with the subject line, “Daddy’s Angry.” The body of the email was mostly incoherent, leading many to conclude that he typed it with furious tears in his eyes. However, he concluded his statement with a definitive message to all students and faculty: “Misspell our name as ‘FAU’ one more time and I swear I’m gonna get you.”

The staff here at The Eggplant is still not entirely sure what “getting you” necessarily means. Upon contacting the administrative office asking for clarification, McCullough responded in under a minute, simply writing, “Go fuck yourself,” which, admittedly, wasn’t very nice of him.

While the open-ended nature of McCullough’s threat remains a mystery, consider this not only a report on the matter, but also a warning. “Daddy” is out there somewhere, watching and waiting for that fated slip of a poor soul’s finger from the S key to the A key. You may not see him coming, but by God, he’ll be there. Our sincerest condolences go out to those who come to understand what getting got by the president looks like.