Latest Trend Shows FSU Students Attempting The Viral “Tri-Infecta”
Hacking and sneezing have again returned to FSU, and we can’t yet say the cause is the pollen covering every inch of campus. Rumors continue to spread of the lengths at which students will go to test the limits of human endurance: completing the infamous “Tri-Infecta” before seeking medical intervention. Doctors everywhere advise against the completion of this quest, consisting, of course, of the simultaneous contraction of mononucleosis, strep throat, and a sexually transmitted disease. No one can say for certain which low-level frat house dreamed up this task for one of their pledges, but regardless of where it started, it's gaining traction faster than ever.
What started as a simple observation of what can come from the sharing of drunk cigs and homemade gravity bongs, a geeb if you will, quickly pivoted into a contest among degenerates. Human petri dish, Thomas S. Foolery, was quick to deem the challenge an essential college experience stating, “I mean, you’re gonna get sick anyways, so why not make the most out of already feeling like death?” It’s unclear just how much free time Foolery has on his hands, mainly as he seemed to be intentionally dodging the question. “I’ve been working on the timing of it first. Start with mono and then go for the other two, that way the antibiotics won’t make me start over. You don’t win until you walk into the clinic with something viral, bacterial, and fungal.” Winning in this case, is clearly ironic.
University Health Services released an official statement warning those partaking in the challenge, even though it remains common knowledge that warnings won’t be heeded, actually they’ll probably be deliberately ignored. A UHS spokesperson commented, “We once again wish to warn everyone that the human body is not intended to be an orgy of disease or a science project. And to those actively working towards the successful completion of this “Tri-Infecta”, we would like to remind you of the free condoms located across campus. Not for the sake of preventing STIs, but because healthcare professionals everywhere wish you would not procreate.” FSU President Richard McCullough has since distributed official communication urging students to “cease selling used toothbrushes via Canvas messaging as this is a violation of the University’s self-advertising policy.” Are we sure that’s the only issue with that?
As Tri-Infecta continues to gain momentum, it’s becoming increasingly difficult to ignore its impacts. Pharmacies across Tallahassee are warning of dwindling antibiotic stockpiles due to the overwhelming amount of hoarse-voiced students asking for “literally anything to stop the burning feeling everywhere”. Lord knows the pedialyte can only do so much. It’s unsure of what means are required to put a stop to students from vying for the distinction of sicka cum laude but experts everywhere are praying the trend meets its demise soon.