2024 Predicted to Have THE Highest Dormcest Baby Birth Rates to Date: What You Need to Know.

As all freshmen's first semester of college comes to an end (yes, even you, because Summer doesn’t count), winter break is the ideal time to catch up with friends and family on the PG version of the college experience. A time when stories of pouring beers turn into reading books and rolling blunts evolve to rolling to class on your razor scooter. Gathering around the table to share a meal with your not-so-subtly homophobic uncle is the epitome of the holiday spirit. However, this year isn't awkward because of your grandpa’s conspiracy theory on the existence of birds. No, it's the classic, “looks like the freshman 15 caught ya” comment gone south. “Mom, dad, you can’t fat shame a pregnant person!” exclaimed Mary Ann Dickins. Yes folks, you heard it here first. The first dormcest baby of 2024 has been announced. Sweet, devout catholic Mary Ann took the bible verse, “Love thy neighbor,” a little too seriously this semester and is expecting twins in April of 2024. She has been repenting dick every day since.

Every year, thousands of college freshmen end up catching baby fever since they are now “grown” and living all on their own in the dorms. Rumor has it that some girls on select dorm floors have a pregnancy pact going, playing Russian roulette with which neighbor will be the father to little Sailor Cove or Uhlizardbreath Maryoflazarus Smith. Think Mama Mia, but college freshman edition! While parents stressed about sending a ZPac to their dying child, they really should have thought about instacarting a Plan B as well. It has been suggested that with the rising cost of room and board at select schools, child support seems to be a popular way to make rent. “I heard that Norman's dad down the hall is the CEO of Best Buy! I mean, it was a no-brainer!” said freshman Tiffany Doolittle.

Now Universities around the nation are struggling to find ways to cope with the exponentially growing population. Study rooms have been converted to nurseries, and RA’s are now underpaid and overworked babysitters throughout the day and night, but what's new? “I don't know who shits their pants more often,” said RA John Daniels. At Florida State University, new rules have been enforced throughout all dorms to exploit the problem. The student code of conduct now states that students who fall ill with baby fever are permitted to stay in the dorms for the rest of the school year; however, they must donate extra breast milk to Suwanee’s cereal bar. Pumping stations will be readily available in Suwanee’s food allergy room located on the right side of the building; you will need your FSU ID to enter.

This holiday season, before you comment on someone's heavy plate, make sure to consider the fact that they may be carrying the heir to a discount store empire or the next poorly named Gen Z baby. It is always good to love thy neighbor, but you don't always have to lie with them. As this next semester approaches, if any of your neighbors catch your eye, always keep in mind you might become the stepmother to little 🍎. It is best not to encourage dormcest, and rather, encourage the exploration of the law library for a more suitable baby daddy.