Guy Pulls Reverse She’s the Man in Order To Play Soccer at FSU

Barney Bagpipe woke up in a cold sweat one night when they realized FSU had no male soccer team. What could they do? Their love for soccer was tantamount to their life, and they had to find some way to kick balls. Aha! A brilliant idea came to mind. They knew exactly what to do. Bagpipe would go on an odyssey to join the women’s soccer team as a walk-on, but their journey would come with more hardships than they could’ve ever imagined. All this and more is highlighted in Bagpipe’s new memoir, How I Didn’t Get Away with It, as they traverse the slippery landscape of college sports, all while posing as a woman on the FSU soccer team. 

It all began when Bagpipe was a young boy. They retell in their memoir, “As a kid, when I was home alone I would slip on my mom's high heels and watch Trixie Mattel get ready for a show. I also used to light matches and throw them down the toilet.” Bagpipe’s effeminate tendencies subsided for many years until they started their academic career at Florida State. “I saw the intense scope of masculinity there, the hook-up culture, the objectification of women; it all made me very uneasy as a man.” These doubts of manhood sprung to new heights, as they soon realized that Florida State had no male soccer team. “Yes, we have football, Lacrosse, and even Quadball–like, what? But no Soccer?” Bagpipe was fed up and needed to do something. 

One day, on campus, they saw a sign for the FSU Women’s Soccer open field–an opportunity for potential walk-ons to strut their stuff. It was go-time. Bagpipe immediately took to TikTok to catch up on everything they could about being a woman. “Stanley Cups, Lululemon, Taylor Swift, eyeshadow pallets that open and play music. You know the drill. I even called my mom to make sure I was doing everything right and she was very supportive...unusually supportive.” After donning a wig and caking on some Clinique to their already long and luscious lashes, they were ready to go.

“Barney? The second they walked on the field, we all knew they were still figuring out some stuff out about themselves, but they were good! And who are we to judge? We were ready to support them all the way” said FSU Women’s Soccer captain Louise Legstrong. Bagpipe immediately made the team and worked up the ranks to the starting lineup in the season opener against UF. As the ball was kicked off, disaster struck Bagpipe almost instantly. “As I grappled with one of the UF players for the ball, she pulled my wig clean off (Trixie shaved her head, so I shaved my head) and it fell onto the turf.” Gasps rained out from the crowd; the field went silent. In the crowd, a man stood up and yelled, “That chick’s a dude!” At that moment, Bagpipe realized something about themselves. This whole time–their whole life–they had just wanted to feel seen and heard. They didn’t want to be a girl because they wanted to play soccer, they wanted to play soccer because they wanted to be a girl. “I realized that I had always been a woman in my heart, and the team was so supportive when I came out as Transgender. They taught me that being a woman was so much more than just owning multiple Stanley Cups, wearing Lululemon, and putting off going to the doctor. ” 

With this heroic retelling of deception into self-realization, Bagpipe ends their memoir on this note: “Being a man is hard, but I’ve learned that being a woman is also hard.”