Panera Sips Club Investigation Reveals Dark University Conspiracy
With the wild success of their Sips Club - the charged lemonades specifically, the Student Union Panera Bread location recently rolled out their latest drink: the Ultra, Super-Duper Charged Lemonade. Students arose from the deepest crevices all over campus to try out the new drink. With new flavors like berry lush ice, and lemon creme brulee who could resist? Even RoosterPuffs had a collab with their BluRazz flavor. Students looking to quit vaping could still get their buzz on without looking like a douchebag. It wasn't until they introduced the caffeinated bread bowl that suspicion arose. What was uncovered was so sinister it will leave you shaking, more than a dozen Ultra, Super Duper Charged Lemonades ever could.
“Think about who frequents the on-campus Panera the most,” said on-campus Panera worker Stephen Ahole. “It’s surely tied to those freaks in some way. In Woodward Garage, during peak hours the other day there were SO many spots!” When asked what that had to do with the story, Ahole simply shrugged and said it was ‘suspected suspicion.’ There were multiple spots open, something virtually unheard of at any of FSU’s six parking garages. Tow trucks scoured the floors, picking up vacant cars, which we later learned weren’t being stored in a yard for an obscene daily fee, but rather being crushed like the souls of students trying to speak with their advisors. The FSU towing companies didn’t intend to give the cars back, because they knew the vehicle owners were dead. Having a sufficient hunch, President Mccullough’s office was next on the list to find answers.
“I can’t let you into President McCullough’s office,” nagged his crusty secretary, “but a $20 could help.” Within the office, the secretary highlighted contracts with the Union Panera that lay under a stack of Penthouse magazines, RAW rolling papers, and Martin Shkreli’s missing Wu Tang album. These contracts spelled out specific plans for the elimination of Panera goers. On a cork wall photos of Panera, Woodward Parking Garage, and two recipe sheets for the lemonade were pointed out by the secretary. They were all connected in a web of mystery– linked only by red string and push pins. A former Panera worker recognized one of the recipes as the one they were given, but the other one, marked “real recipe”, had triple the amount of caffeine. Woodward Garage was circled with red ink, next to a spreadsheet of the garage's parking statistics. Coincidence? We think not.
After gathering ourselves and reading through the information, we discovered the severity of their dastardly plan. Having let in too many students the previous semester, FSU parking garages had been experiencing more traffic than ever before, making it nearly impossible for students and staff alike to find a spot in time for their classes. The documents we found revealed that the university had taken control of the Student Union Panera in order to roll out the Ultra Super-Duper Charged Lemonade in an effort to kill students because it was cheaper than building another garage.
We reached out to the workers to inform them of our discovery, but did not hear back. Their silence has led us to believe they may be in cahoots with McCullough and his plan in exchange for improved grades this semester. With no sign of help from the workers, our only hope for change is informing you, the students, of the ongoing attempt on your lives so that you can make the right choice and get your caffeine at one of the four on-campus Starbucks.
Use code “EGGPLANT” for 10% off your next beverage.