FSU Creates New Event to Promote Inclusivity After Parent's Weekend: Orphan Weekend
Parents' weekend came and went. The illusion that we all sprouted from the grass on Landis and began walking to class one day has been shattered. Folks now know why that one roommate has all those control issues, why some dudes like titty-sucking foreplay so much, and are shocked that their exes once sought refuge in the womb of a beautiful woman. For some, it's a joyous weekend of getting their parents trashed at Recess, and for others it’s a borderline Freudian weekend of making out with someone’s parents getting trashed at Recess. Acts of infidelity on the dance floor have especially caught the eye of Florida State event planners.
It has not yet been confirmed why students make out with other students’ parents. Some suggest alcohol consumption and Sigmund Freud. But Stacy Smith, a staff member within the Office of Special Events at FSU, has other assumptions. “Slut-shaming, aside from racism, is one of our oldest traditions at Florida State University! Assuming they're all whores is not very PC anymore, so we’re going to proclaim them all parentless and provide our finest help,” she admitted. Therefore, Stacy Smith was proud to announce the ground plans for the inclusive addition to Parents Weekend: Orphan Weekend! Originally, it was planned for the students to share Landis Green with Family Weekend proceedings, but this was later squashed due to concerns that the orphans might “kill the vibe.” And so, beneath a hooded tent built on top of the volleyball courts that lay behind the lavish Salley Hall Dorm Buildings, activities are set-up to simulate a healthy home life. Students are encouraged to blow out birthday candles with hired actors who are just ugly enough to not be considered a Milf or a Dilf. PA’s volunteer in “throwing a ball” with each student to mimic society’s depiction of a healthy father figure. Additionally, there will be free hugs for all and a kiss on the forehead by everyone’s mom, Mrs. Killings herself. Plenty of water will be provided to keep the Orphans hydrated, as well as leftovers from the Family Weekend lunches to fill up hungry stomachs. All reheated in the microwave with love! Later in the day, face painting will be provided so students can look like their favorite childhood comfort animal.
As PA’s and Mrs. Killings grow tired of hearing the groans of immense human suffering, the Orphans are then led out for a nighttime show at the circus. Upon exiting the giant striped tent, families will be walking hand in hand with loved ones after the annual springtime show. Entering the circus tent are a sea of Batmans, Spidermans, and absolute sigmas forced into watching the abstract, acrobatic rendition of Annie the musical. This, of course, is to teach grieving students that they are not alone! Hopefully, the fictional story of a ginger child from the depression era finding happiness in being adopted by the richest man in New York due to sheer luck will bring them optimism.
Stacy Smith has high hopes for Orphan Weekend. Here, students are able to form a community through a shared background, and nothing brings people closer than a bit of trauma bonding. While the ethics behind the motivation to plan an inclusive event for parentless students might be questionable, it’s the thought that counts, right? The Health and Wellness center is open each week Monday to Friday from 8am to 4pm. Much love, stay safe out there, and become vengeance.