Senior Taking Grad Photos vs Westcott Baptism
The flowers are blooming all around campus, freshmen are realizing they can’t keep saying they are going to, “switch out of pol- sci” and not actually do it, and seniors are remembering they have to take their grad photos. The lines to get to the “best spots” of Westcott have already begun, like a drunken Disney World, and the larpers have even fooled some into buying knock-off “fast passes” which guarantee graduating models 5 minutes to the fountain all to themselves. While some seniors take the lines as a time for a little pre-photoshoot tan and natural highlighter (sweat), the Christians had to throw in their two bibles.
“We understand this is a bustling time for seniors, especially at the heart of campus, but God simply comes first…and they aren’t allowed to fight us on that or they’ll go to hell,” stated 35-year-old Youth Group Leader Jared Jacobs. Jacobs began bringing groups to Westcott in hopes of performing mass baptisms. “My now wife and I were baptized in Westcott Fountain together, and later conceived our first child in there as well! It holds a special place not just in my own heart, but in every Tallahassee Christians' heart as well. Nevertheless, I don’t care who I have to fight. God may have said to love thy neighbor, but I’m sure he’d make an exception for the students of FSU. Also, do all these seniors know they have the same white dress on? And I see you, girl in the pink, you’re not original– you’re just tacky, Polly Pocket wants her wardrobe back!” He said wearing a, “Love like a Christian” t-shirt. We here at FSU, and especially The Eggplant, love to see some good wholesome Christian fun, but not everybody else is as thrilled.
“Look, I get that God is their virtue and the water of Westcott is enlightening, as someone who fell from the third level of the fountain, on my 21st and 22nd birthday, I get it more than anyone else,” stated Kasey Katty, a senior whose $800 grad photo session was interrupted when Jacobs brought a 40 person group of repressed-horny college Christians to be baptized in the fountain and demanded to go to the front at prime golden hour. “Why don’t they just do it like the rest of us? Shit-faced, and then uploaded to Barstool after if you’re lucky! I believe religion is all about the experience, but if they come back to my second $900 add-on session, I will give someone a baptizing they’ll never forget.”
No one has been drowned yet, but to avoid the sneak attack baptisms seniors have even gone as low as to take photos at “the fountain by Doak” where they now just have to avoid the larpers when they have their nude pool parties. Many seniors thought they had seen everything at FSU, but this is a senior send-off they never expected and will certainly never forget. Regardless, don’t drink any FSU fountain water.