Frat Boyfriend Wants Cooler on His Desk by Tomorrow Morning
Greek Life formal season is in full swing, which means hundreds of girls nationwide are sucking every store dry of coolers that will be intricately painted with intimate details about their date and what he likes (beer, his frat, Wendy’s). It’s cooler painting season, and your frat boyfriend needs that cooler on his desk by tomorrow, or else.
“I need it before we get on the bus or I’m gonna look like a nerd. It was such a simple request,” said Stanley Chompsky from the comfort of his communal turf lawn. “I asked a girl I just met this semester if she could spend a hundred dollars of her own money and several days of her own time on painting me a cooler to put my beer in. It’s not a big deal. The boys and I line all of the girls up next to the coolers they painted, and the girl who does the worst job gets sent to the Heritage Grove Gulag. HGG for short. I’m not sure what happens there but I think it’s honestly a good thing. They always come back way skinnier than we left them.”
“I spent eighty dollars that were supposed to go towards unimportant things like groceries and stayed up until three in the morning on multiple occasions. It was all worth it to create a five-sided art piece that looks like it could be displayed in a kindergarten classroom,” said Carrie Jameson excitedly as she scrubbed FolkArt acrylic paint off of her living room floor. “I call him my non-boyfriend because that just feels more monogamous than ‘date’ to me. I’m delivering the cooler tonight so it’s promptly on time. I really hope he likes it because I can’t afford to go to HGG. One of my girlies got sent there last year and she still has no ass. I couldn’t live in a world like that.”
To all the ladies breaking their backs over carefully painting some random shit on the side of an Igloo cooler, godspeed. We hope he loves it. Mostly, though, we hope that your date takes the same amount of time to observe and appreciate the little things that you love, too. At the least, we hope he pays for dinner and drinks. Enjoy formal, you Greeks of nature!