Campus Bridge Collapses Due to Chunky Sneaker Epidemic


Hindsight is always 20/20; at least, that’s what FSU’s engineers have been saying as the cause of the fateful Reynolds-Suwannee bridge collapse has become too chunky to ignore. The bridge connecting the two halls, overlooking the gorgeous floral landscaping and mounds of rotting Suwannee garbage, fell to its demise last night due to what investigators are now calling: “Structural Deterioration x FILA.”

“When my daughter wanted the shoes I was made fun of for wearing in middle school, I thought it was funny. What harm could they do? But, when I saw the shoes marching in by the thousands, I knew pedestrian culture would never be the same,” said bridge engineer Dave Fishent while breaking down his fear of ever-expanding footwear as he sifted through a pile of stray concrete with FILA’s logo drawn out in the debris. Holding up a particularly mangled slab of engraved concrete, Fishent remarked, “Look at this! The bottoms of those clunky cleats are almost serrated! God bless anyone’s roommate's dog, because the moment they try to chew these ‘going-out-shoes,’ it’s lights out!”  

“Fast fashion needs to recognize that their audiences are both weak and irresponsible. If they continue to sell shoes called ‘Disruptors’ we can kiss any sort of structural security on this campus goodbye,” said first-time petition-signer and failed SGA candidate, Isa Chu as she adamantly stressed the need for change in big business by using terms like ‘top-down’ and ‘textile industry.’ “What is it going to take to get people to realize the danger? Are we going to wait until the Honors kids start appropriating FILA culture and their exclusive nerd lounge comes crashing down on top of Chick-fil-A? Is it really going to have to take the discontinuation of the waffle fry to get some action?”

While construction is underway to rebuild the historic bridge originally constructed to keep women from going outside past 8 p.m., FILA fans have shown no remorse for the consequences of their sports-style stunting. As the Bratz doll ankle-to-sneaker ratio sweeps every corner of FSU, whispers of a mission to reclaim the sexist structures on campus have begun to arise. Perhaps the explosion of identical accessorizing is not a coincidence at all, and the wave of FILA clad femmes is an Amazonian strategy to deconstruct the misogyny cemented into the foundation of the university and reclaim FSU as the women’s university it was originally intended to be.

The Eggplant FSU