Student In Ambulance Just Discovered Alcohol Dehydrates You


After passing out at many-a-football game, FSU students have often struggled to remember how they traveled from point A to point B and eventually crash-landed into the letter L. Following Saturday’s game, sophomore Stefan Jenkins only remembered cheering on his barely winning football team with the homies underneath a sun that was almost as hot as the players in those tight little athletic pants. Memories of a few-too-many handles of Bacardi and a dash of White Claw flashed in front of Jenkins’ eyes right before the entirety of Doak Campbell stadium slipped beneath his feet. While his boys were so wasted that it took them a solid 45 minutes to realize Jenkins was out cold, what resulted was yet another student who ended up with a throbbing concussion, a terrible hangover, thousands of dollars in fines for a 2-minute ambulance ride and, ultimately, a revelation: maybe alcohol isn't good for you?

“Wait, I need to drink water? Actual fucking water?” gasped Stefan as he scratched at the IV stapled into his arm. “That’s bullshit! As a brother of Omega Omega Bodega, I refuse to take breaks from the party as if I were a fifth-year senior trying to finally GTFO. Sure, one of the six different questionable liquids sloshing around in my stomach might legally be diesel fuel, but at least one of them has to have water in it too! The human body is so weaksauce, dude. It’s bogus that my organs started to fail after spending my first three weeks back living off of S’mores Pop-Tarts and vending machine Peace Tea.”

“It’s good that we got to him when we did. His blood sugar was so low that we were worried it might be pure liquor at this point,” admitted Dr. Mario Luchoas as he added the cost of ‘one long, disapproving head shake from the entire medical staff’ to Jenkins’ medical bill. “Look, we get it - no one prepares these goobers to have a beer. I understand that no one wants to raise the next “Keg-stand Kyle” of frat row, but parents should be teaching their kids about limits. I’m so sick of these dweebs rushing into the hospital because they thought they could drink a whole bottle of tequila on an empty stomach or hit some shady guy’s dab pen without catching the herps.”

After several hours of pumping what appeared to be Four Loko mixed with off-brand Sprite from Jenkins’ stomach, Dr. Lucho has confirmed that the student will, for some reason, be allowed to return to his classes as soon as possible. However, given mounting medical bills and ever-present bar tabs, Jenkins is currently working with the Office of Financial Aid to coordinate how to take a chunk out of his Bright Futures to cover those nasty bills. Maybe an ambulance joyride is actually the education every student needs.

The Eggplant FSU