Student Buys Used Textbook, Thinks They Have Discovered The Half-Blood Prince


Now that it is the beginning of the year, most students have resorted to blood sacrifices, selling feet pictures, and, worst of all, working for Seminole Dining in order to make ends meet. Beyond the cover at Recess on game day or the purchase of a dodgy dragon’s egg behind the Hog’s Head, textbooks are sure to be students’ top semester expenses.  While the majority of money-savvy students just opt for used textbooks rather than burn through all the galleons Father gave them for this month’s allowance, local FSU student Larry Beasley thinks he has recently made a purchase that makes his crippling debt worthwhile.

“I’m telling you, I have discovered the half-blood prince, and before you ask, I haven’t even broken into my gillyweed stash today,” said Beasley, whose Pottermore sorting test described him as a Hufflepuff in the streets and a Slytherin in the sheets. “I bought Advanced Essay-Making hot off the presses from the FSU Bookstore, and now there is highlighting, notes, and mysteriously animated doodle-penises all over it. I got called on in ENC 2135, and the book flipped itself to the answer. Right there on page 394!” Beasley exclaims as he practiced a crucio curse to use on his roommate. “Is this what is feels like to be a STEM major? I’ve never felt so important, even though I have the emotional range of a teaspoon and will be a virgin until at least book seven.” 

Some students are not convinced by Beasley’s story including fellow classmate Hermione Granger, who thinks that Larry Beasley is not only a fraud, but also a cheat. “Listen, it’s no surprise that this idiot thinks he discovered the half-blood prince. I have literally seen him mistake Emergen-C for cocaine on at least two occasions. He doesn’t know that you can buy used books at the bookstore, and that’s why he thinks he did something. He thinks he’s, like, Harry Potter or something, but he can’t even cut it as a Potter Puppet Pall,” says Ranger as she snorts Adderall on the fourth floor of Dirac. “I mean, you’d think he’d learn after his sister almost got eaten by a snake because of a mysterious book, but I guess some of us never move past our freshman mistakes.”

While UF will continue to crown itself the “Harvard of the South” (because apparently Duke stopped existing), FSU students can rest assured that they are at least the “Hogwarts of the South.” Whether you flaunt your wealth with new textbooks or you rent them used, a little studying help never hurt anyone. So here’s to saving money, getting free notes, and Halloween starting in September. And if you find yourself wondering whether it’s worth it to save five bucks and get the used version, remember that the answer is invariably: “Always.”

The Eggplant FSU