FSU Football Team to Be Replaced by Lake Ella Geese
Following the recent tragedy of blowing an 18-point lead and yet again soiling FSU’s legacy of being a second-half team, Coach Taggart has decided to change his trajectory when it comes to recruiting prospects to the FSU football program. These unexpected new players are Tallahassee natives that have been known to overstay their welcome around many a Saturday picnic but have now become a beacon of hope in this a bowl-less era of FSU Football. Hopefully, for the program and every conversation with your dad for the next four months, these potential stars will have a few tricks up their metaphorical sleeves (or beaks), and the season will be free of fowl play.
“These new kids are superstars. Have you seen them chasing toddlers holding bags of Cheerios around Lake Ella? It’s amazing how naturally hostile they are. It’s like you can’t even keep them from giving their all on the field,” marveled Coach Taggart as he scratched out James Blackman from the starting roster and replaced him with Branta Canadensis. “These honkers are persistent and aggressive—something our defense is lacking at the moment. We are taking #DoSomething to new heights. And that something is growing a bunch of lettuce to lure the geese into their starting positions.”
“This is definitely a last-ditch effort to keep the town from wielding pitchforks to run Taggart out after losing our 37-year bowl streak. The special teams said they’re training the geese to think the ball is a stale loaf of bread, which might just be stupid enough to work,” said Mike Howard, an avid college football fan who believes his experience playing 3rd-grade pee-wee football has made him qualified enough to yell at the coaching staff from his nosebleed seats. “As someone who used to think the plural of ‘goose’ was pronounced ‘gooses,’ I know these fuckers will overcome any misconceptions about them, whether we like it or not. The way they chase the players off the field like its mid-fall mating season just gives me goosebumps.”
In the meantime, the student body and overzealous 50-year-old dads are expected to drown their sorrows in natty lights in hopes of just getting wasted enough that they can believe we’ll make it to an actual natty. Even though excuses for poor performance have already hit a record high, we should give Taggart another chance. He can’t coach football, but maybe he’s managed to find that goose that lays golden eggs—or more likely, one that is just full of goose shit.