Mother Takes Legacy Walk of Shame Half-Covered in FSU Body Paint
This past weekend saw hoards of mothers and fathers entering Tallahassee’s city limits to get their fifteenth chance at the college lifestyle. As per usual, it played out just as creepy and depressing as one would think. Even the most sacred of places (Bull’s, obviously), couldn’t escape the siege of moms and dads full of lectures about the dangers of vaping while tipsy and high off of the idea of reliving their golden years. When the clock struck 7:30 p.m. and the game kicked off, no one was safe from these beer-drunk monsters, crazed by another night of sleeping in a college dorm room. One mother, in particular, took “Parent’s Schweekend” to the next level, taking a long stroll across Legacy Walk Sunday morning with her body half-imprinted with gold paint and her fists clenching bedazzled garnet and gold flip flops.
“I had the misfortune of being on campus before 9 a.m. on Sunday and watched it all go down, and you probably can now too with all the Tik Toks of it making the rounds. I should’ve seen this coming, especially after I realized my mom wasn’t just joking about wanting to leave my dad for coach Taggart,” shared Senior Jamie Houser while retracing the footsteps of her post-coital mother searching for her white Infinity SUV that she exclusively drives to and from her corporate job at Sears. “We see parents behaving childishly every parent’s weekend, but never anything like this. Mom usually never goes farther than trailing a garnet-painted fingernail across the shoulder of some guy at the tailgate whom she won’t stop telling she’s ‘down with it.’”
“As a mother myself, I say let the woman go! What - are we supposed to be shocked that a woman in her middle ages can still get some? Yes, she knows her way around a casserole dish, but she also knows how to rock a young man’s world. I mean, I’d never set my sights on a boy slathered in chemicals and glitter to get my fill, nor would I make my walk of shame directly through campus, but to each their own,” screamed Mother and Marriott Gold Membership cardholder Stacey Dotsikas as she corraled her good-for-nothing husband away from the bustling queue of the newly-opened 1851 Tally Mac Shack. “Lay off us parents. We get one weekend each year to forget our names and wake up on unwashed dorm room sheets. By God, that is why they invented a hall pass!”
It is possible that many have been too hard on the visiting mothers and fathers who just want to squeeze their beer bellies into an FSU shirt they bought from a roadside vendor, but it is also possible that they are asking for some light criticism from their children. Many students just can’t help feeling unsettled when confronted with anyone over twenty-five willingly drinking in a beer garden. However, comfort can be found in the fact that parent’s weekend is over for an entire year. Regardless, it might still be a good idea to sage the fuck out of the walkway in CollegeTown with red footsteps leading to the nearest hotel.