Stand-Up Comedian Stuns Audience by Not Talking About Their Sex Life For Once


It was an open mic-night like any other. Angsty college students stumbled on stage in an attempt to humor their peers who will laugh whether they’re actually funny or not. The audience included its usual mix of awkward white boys who pass off sexist and racist remarks as “alternative humor” and artsy improv people who spend the break between their Poetry and Fiction Workshops browsing Twitter in a Calvin’s booth. The setlist featured a girl that’s definitely not like other girls, who recounted a riveting story about her most recent failure of a Tinder date, and a dude with a hoodie and a superiority complex who told an outrageous story about his parents walking in on him and his high school girlfriend that he still hasn’t gotten over. However, the highlight of the night featured a comedian brave enough to go on stage and tell a gripping and hilarious story - and for once, it’s one that does not involve genitals. 

“It was amazing how she went up there and did something so controversial, yet so brave,” commented student audience member Ben Dover as he took another long chug of his Baja Blast while giving Amy Schumer’s comedy special half a star on IMDB. “It’s usually just ‘I was sucking this or he was inserting blank-in-blank’ but never ‘I love my mom, and I want her to respect what I do. So, here’s a story about my pet gerbil.’ Don’t get me wrong, I love sex jokes. I have sex, like, all the time, by the way.,” Dover said, blotting some forehead sweat away. “I just don’t want the virgins - not me, obviously - to feel left out. It’s like, I’ve - I mean they’ve - never shared an intimate kiss with anyone, but I do consistently wonder whether or not I’m supposed to wash my bed sheets more than once a year.”

“In my sets, I usually stick to talking about how disturbed I was by my ex-boyfriend’s penis or my middle school sexual awakening, “Teen Wolf,” but this time I thought it would be cool to try and give the audience something they really have never seen before: jokes about my hamster,” said the stand-up comedian in question, Dixie Normous, while blowing the bangs out of her eyes and tugging at the collar of her modesty-protecting turtleneck in the face of the freshmen-filled audience who had nothing better to do that night. “I think everyone really enjoyed how different my set was. It was just shy of wholesome. This might be controversial, but I’m thinking about trying this again.”

This landmark night has shaped up to be a culture-defining moment for college stand-up comedians everywhere. The unprecedented sexless set could change the future of stand-up comedy forever, sending shock waves through the feed-back-y open mics across the nation. Before laughing at a singular hamster joke, most of the audience seemed to believe it wasn’t possible to laugh at a joke that didn’t include the sexually perverse. In the end, the iconic set of one Dixie Normous taught us that it's okay for a college student to have personality traits other than being monstrously horny.

The Eggplant FSU