Pow Wow Performer Revealed to Be Paw Patrol Live After Budget Cuts
Everyone who’s anyone knows that FSU is currently on the come-up. After moving into the prestigious Top Twenty status, FSU had truly been thriving thanks to raking in multi-million dollar donations made by old, philanthropist sugar daddies and recent graduates who figure they owe the school something for making their degree more valuable. FSU is thriving so much, in fact, that it should not be an issue to fund more professors, parking and even homecoming events. However, as per usual, the university’s priorities lie with a mediocre football team and catering to whatever business gives them a check with at least six zeros. As a result, after a brief hiccup last Friday, the FSU Homecoming Committee proudly presents Paw Patrol Live following an abrupt budget cut.
“We were given a smaller budget than the last couple of years after Nick Kroll and his bright yellow jacket humiliated several students on stage in his bright yellow jacket and Hannibal Buress let the entire student body know how much he hated them. There was a lot on the line, and we needed someone that wouldn’t break the three figures we have in our budget,” lamented graduate assistant Joe Woods as he shuffled away, messenger bag slung over his shoulder, to look for a Pow Wow performer with no remaining self-value. “I thought we’d have a bigger budget since this university received yet another multi-million dollar donation during the NC State game, but they decided to spend most of it on some more paratroopers to jazz up the three people in the audience at our next football game. I’m sure it will work out well since Gen X loves chaotic, nihilistic performances. What could be better than a bunch of full-grown adults in fursuits?”
“To be honest with you, it was between Paw Patrol Live, First Lady Jean “Gigi” Thrasher and the guy who refuses to leave the stage after his marathon of nine cringeworthy virginity jokes. We thought about Gigi for a long time since she could probably lay some sick burns on J-Daddy Thrash, but Paw Patrol ultimately won our hearts with their cute lil’ helmets and gadgets,” boasted the newly branded “Bow Wow” Director, Judy Loom, while she neatly Sharpied over the name of Billie Eilish’s older brother. “With the money we’ll save, we should be able to supply an absurd amount of extra small tank tops for when we inevitably bungle another announcement. Not to mention, their cute catchphrase ‘No job’s too big, no pup’s too small!’ really sparked our committee’s spirit.”
So while Bow Wow is already underway, the student body is sincerely hoping Warchant is just as great, if not better. Fingers crossed, it will be someone who doesn’t start their performance off by just roasting members of the Homecoming committee. Only time will tell how this year's Warchant will inevitably turn into the shit show we’ve come to know and not love. In the meantime, stay on the lookout for the Homecoming Committee’s announcement coming out later this afternoon - even though we’ve already got the real scoop.