Electric Scooters Provide New, Innovative Way to Get a DUI


Taking notes from their ankle-splitting Razor predecessors, electric scooters have arrived in Tallahassee to provide drunk college students and overly excitable congressional interns with an exciting new chance to become victims of vehicular manslaughter - and perhaps hit some sweet jumps. While the world patiently waits for artificial intelligence to truly plunge the technology era into Armageddon, tech moguls have ensured that humans will still be able to ruin their lives with the next new app. By creating a glorified breathalyzer on wheels, scooter companies are sure to reward customers with thousands of dollars in fines and a lifetime of embarrassment to the next hapless fool who decides a scooter is the best way to get home after hitting up $1 PBR Fridays with the boys. 

“My lifetime ban from Uber due to throwing up in the back of six different Honda Civics couldn’t have come at a more perfect time,” noted scooter and cocaine aficionado Kirstie Beemer. “For the small price of one dollar, I can book it down College Ave at 15 mph,” said Beemer, while sponging the blood of a fallen pedestrian off of her rental electric hell bat of death. “Being raised in an era of extensive knowledge about the consequences of alcohol and drug abuse, I never thought I’d have the chance to get a DUI or develop a serious drug addiction. So thank God for Juuls and Birds. Without you guys, I wouldn’t be addicted to nicotine or spending the night in jail.” 

“I haven’t seen campus this dangerous since the Psychology Department gave a flock of wasted infants an assemblage of machine guns just to see what happened,” commented Deputy MacArland, who has needed retirement since he first came on the campus force in 1994. “On the off chance we’re even able to catch the hellraisers speeding down Mt. Potbelly's, we won’t even be able to get them to pop their itty bitty kickstands before they start drunkenly bragging about the 200 points they scored earlier by mowing down a Chem major. And we thought Heelys were bad?” said MacArland, staring into the abyss after watching a 22-year -old college educated male pop a wheelie. 

With every citizen given access to technology once reserved for that guy who attached a motor to his bike instead of buying a car, the city still claims traffic and environmental benefits will make you forget that every sidewalk corner is now a permanent re-charging station. Scooter-based accidents will undoubtedly make the necessary, if harsh, indent on future class reunion turnouts and ensure that your buddy Cam will have a great transportation-based drinking story in thirty years. However, in the question of life, dignity, and the oil companies that are absolutely not funding the Eggplant FSU (we just want them to do well independent of any funding), is it worth it?

The Eggplant FSU